MyCounselor Says: Mutually Fulfilling Sex Matters


“How do I get my husband to understand how important it is for BOTH of us to orgasm during sex, not just him?”

Read more to find out what relationship expert Josh Spurlock has to say about why mutually fulfilling sex matters!

About the Author

This article is based on scientific evidence and clinical experience, written by a licensed professional and fact-checked by experts.

Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Certified Sex Therapists with over 10,000 hours of clinical experience. Josh specializes in Marriage Counseling and Sex Therapy. You can schedule an appointment with Josh for online counseling.

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Video Transcript

(Transcript is generated by a software and may have discrepancies from the video.)


Welcome to My Counselor Online. I’m Cassie and today one of our awesome counselors is going to answer your question. So let’s go find out what MyCounselor Says.

Josh Spurlock on Starting with Communication

Welcome to My Counselor Online. I’m Josh Spurlock and today, Shelby’s Asking for a friend, “How do I get my husband to understand how important it is for both of us to orgasm during sex, not just him?”

Well it sounds like there may be a need for some communication, first and foremost, we need to talk about it. And I’m assuming from the question that we are able to have these conversations. We’re able to talk about our sexual experience, talk about conflict in general within the relationship and work towards win-win, mutually fulfilling solutions for each other.

If that’s not the case, if we don’t have the kind of relational dynamic where we really care about the experience of each other in the relationship and work towards resolution in conflict that we have that feels good to both of us, then there’s maybe a larger relational issue that we need to address. And you might want to seek out some counseling around that. Whereby, you can not only address things in the sexual area of your relationship, but in all the areas that relationships. So we are able to talk through areas we have disconnect around and work towards solutions that you both can feel good about.

So that would be the starting place.

How Mutually Fulfilling Sex Changes things for Him

Specifically, if we’re unable to have those conversations, it’s just awkward talking around this particular topic and we’re trying to figure out how do we address it. Therefore, how do we come at this?

I would say that we need to think about whether or not he wants you to want sex and enjoy sex. Most husbands that are in a healthy relationship with their spouse and have a healthy relationship with sex desire for their spouse to enjoy sex and want to engage in sex in a way that’s mutually fulfilling for both.

And so that’s only going to be possible if it’s pleasurable for you both. There’s a basic pleasure principle that says we desire to do that which we enjoy. Correspondingly, we don’t desire to do what we don’t enjoy. For example, it’s why I never have a longing to be poked in the eye.

Because being poked in the eye is not enjoyable for me. It’s not fun. However, we do long for and crave and desire to do things that we enjoy.

And so if you’re going to have a sustained interest and desire in connecting sexually with your husband, it’s going to need to be a pleasurable and enjoyable experience for you.

Accordingly, if he has interest in you desiring him and wanting to connect sexually with him., then we need to have the mutual goal of learning how to have orgasms for both of us and a sexual experience that’s mutually satisfying.

Additional Help is Available

So that’s where I would start the conversation. And if we don’t know how to progress from there, then I’d connect with a Christian sex therapist that’s able to troubleshoot where the roadblocks are and how we can have a mutually fulfilling, enjoyable sex life.


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