Sources:

• https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DozICXlrvN0&t=842s
• https://www.healthafter50.com/mental-health/article/online-therapy-is-it-for-you
• https://www.breakthrough.com/why/effectiveness

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Why Married Women Don’t Enjoy Sex

As a sex therapist, I spend a lot of time with couples that are having difficulty in the sexual part of their relationship. Most of the couples I see are coming to me, at least in part, because the wife is not interested in connecting sexually as frequently as her husband (though 1 out of 5 times it’s the opposite). 

When I start assessing the situation I usually find a combination of the following 10 causes for low sexual desire in women. They are all generally related to violations of the pleasure principle. Fortunately, they can all be treated with a high degree of success. 

Pleasure Principle

All barriers to sexual desire for married women are usually related to the universal Pleasure Principle. The pleasure principle is simply this: We desire to engage that which we enjoy. We do not desire to engage what we do not enjoy. 

It’s because of the pleasure principle that I never have a deep burning desire to be poked in the eye. I don’t enjoy it, so I don’t crave it. Each of the barriers to a women’s sexual desire make sex not enjoyable for her. If it’s not enjoyable, why would a woman want it?

Side note: To help you understand these 10 reasons I need to define for you the 2 types of sexual arousal. The first is subjective arousal. This is the awareness or feeling of being horny / sexually aroused. The second is physical arousal this refers to the physiological changes that happen in the body as it becomes sexual aroused (dilation of the pupils, increased heart rate, blood filling the genitals, increased body temperature, perspiration, increased genital sensitivity). It is possible to have one kind of arousal without the other, and each can lead to the other.

1. Fatigue – Low Sexual Desire

Men and women are different. One of the differences is in the way fatigue effects sexual arousal in women. Both men and women’s physical arousal is affected by fatigue, but women’s bodies are affected to a much greater degree. If a woman is exhausted physically, her body won’t respond with physical arousal, which means she won’t want or enjoy connecting sexually. If you don’t enjoy connecting sexually – you won’t want to connect sexually.

[Learn more: Overcoming Fatigue | Better Sex For Women]

2. Hormone Cycle – Low Sexual Desire

A woman hits her sex hormone peak in late teens to mid-twenties. As this starts to trail off over time, there’s usually still a hormonal surge that happens 1-3 days a month right around ovulation. The body says “Hey, I’m about to drop an egg, go find your man so you can fertilize it.”

It’s pretty normal for a mature married woman to the only experience what we call initiating desire (ie. a spontaneous desire out of the blue) a few days a month during this hormonal surge. The rest of the month it is very normal for a woman to connect sexually out of receptive desire. We’ll discuss these further in an article on overcoming the Hormone Cycle for better sex.

[Learn more: Overcoming Your Hormone Cycle | Better Sex For Women]

3. Anorgasmia – Low Sexual Desire

An inability or difficulty achieving orgasm, that’s what Anorgasmia means. If you’re not experiencing sexual climax and release when you connect sexually, that significantly impacts the pleasurableness of the experience. That’s not to say you can’t enjoy sex at all or that it’s even normal to orgasm every time you connect sexually. Sexual frustration from a lack of release, however, does diminish the sexual experience- especially if it’s chronic. If unaddressed it will likely leave you feeling less and less interested in sex as time goes by.

[Learn more: Overcoming Orgasm Obstacles | Better Sex For Women]

4. Lack of Emotional Connection – Low Sexual Desire

Sex is an emotional experience. God designed sexual desire to lead women into an emotionally intimate relationship and to enjoy sexual expression in the context of an emotionally safe and connected relationship- i.e. Marriage. If a women’s marriage doesn’t feel safe or if she doesn’t feel emotionally connected to her husband, she’s probably not going to feel a desire to be sexually vulnerable with him.

Being disconnected doesn’t necessarily mean you have a bad relationship. Couples who love each other very much and are safe with each other can get emotionally disconnected just from the busyness of life getting in the way. If we’ve been too busy to nurture the relationship, then we’re probably emotionally disconnected.

If we do have serious communication difficulties or breaches of trust in the relationship, it’s unlikely that we will ever have a healthy, passionate, sexual relationship until this is addressed.

[Learn more: Emotional Connection | Better Sex For Women]

5. Physical Pain – Low Sexual Desire

Does anybody desire physical pain? If you do, you should probably see a counselor about that, it’s not healthy. If sex hurts, I mean really hurts not just a little rough in a playful way, you’re not ever going to desire it. Nor should you. In fact, if you “play through the pain” you can do serious long-term damage to your sexual relationship by pairing pain with all things sexual and romantic in your brain. That pairing can even bleed into an association with your spouse in general, which can lead to resentment and loss of respect for your spouse.

[Learn more: Overcoming Pain | Better Sex For Women]

6. Trauma – Low Sexual Desire

If you have had negative emotional experiences associated with sexuality, this can significantly impact your sexual desire. Examples of sexual trauma that might impact your sexual desire include:

• Feeling pressured by a boyfriend to have sex when you weren’t comfortable doing so.
• Being sexual in ways that left you feeling guilty or ashamed at an earlier time in your life.
• Having been touched or made to act in sexual ways as a kid that made you feel uncomfortable by friends, siblings, babysitters, a parent, or another adult.
• Sexual experiences that have been painful physically or emotionally.
• Being forced to engage sexually when you didn’t want to by anyone, including your spouse.
• Exposures to pornographic materials as a kid.

[Learn more: Overcoming Trauma | Better Sex For Women]

7. Fear of Pregnancy – Low Sexual Desire

If you really don’t want to become pregnant sometimes the fear of becoming pregnant can get in the way of desire. This can be true even if you are taking steps to prevent pregnancy.

[Learn more: Fear Of Pregnancy | Better Sex For Women]

8. Body Self-Consciousness – Low Sexual Desire

Feeling attractive/sexy is an important driver for a women’s sexual desire. If you don’t feel sexy, you’re probably going to have difficulty desiring to engage sexually. This is different than men, who are more driven by how attractive they find their spouse then how attractive they think they themselves are.

If you feel uncomfortable with your body or believe it is unattractive this is going to get in the way of you wanting to be naked with your spouse. This can also take the form of you lacking confidence in engaging sexually. If you are afraid your attempts at being sexy will come off as awkward and embarrassing, you are more likely to avoid sexual encounters.

[Learn more: Feel Sexy | Better Sex For Women]

9. Sexy = Dirty – Low Sexual Desire

Growing up we can sometimes receive the message that sexual desire is lust and only promiscuous girls want sex. This belief that sex is slutty/dirty and that you are bad for having sexual feelings, especially as a single person, leads us to feel bad about the sexual part of ourselves. Pleasing God and being horny are seen to be incompatible.

This is especially true for those who grew up in a very religious home. Sometimes the message that “sex is holy” is interpreted to mean that sexy feelings or the desire to engage sexually any way other than “missionary style” is a sinful corruption of God’s design for sex.

What follows is feeling bad about yourself any time you experience sexual feelings. So you learn to shut down your sexual feelings. This tends to get in the way of desire for sex.

[Learn more: Sexy = Dirty | Better Sex For Women]

10. Busyness – Low Sexual Desire

Work, kids, church, groceries, dinner, laundry, Bible study, small group, friends, family, Facebook….sleep. Who has time or energy for sex? Even on vacation, we’re running from one activity to the next. Finding time or mental focus for romance is harder than it sounds.

[Learn more: Busyness – Sex Killer | Better Sex For Women]

You’re Not Alone and There is Help.

If you find yourself in any of these bullet points, you’re not alone. There is a reason they are on a top 10 list – because they’re common. They’re also treatable. Many people just like you have struggled with these things getting in the way of their sex life. As sex therapists, we know how to troubleshoot your difficulties and help you with a plan to overcome them.

Curious why sexual desire seems to change for a woman after marriage? Check out this article: Why Women’s Sex Drive Declines After Marriage

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In 4 out of 5 marriages, men have the higher sex drive and are the primary initiator of sexual experiences. If you are in one of these marriages this comes as no surprise to you. It may seem like your husband is constantly wanting sex and acts like a wounded puppy dog if you’re not in the mood. It begs the question: Why is sex so important to my husband?

It’s the way God made him. 

He came from the factory this way. That’s how God made him. It’s actually part of the whole created in God’s own image thing talked about in the Bible. You see a man’s passionate and unrelenting pursuit of intimacy with his wife reflects God’s passionate pursuit of peoples hearts. When we were still completely disinterested in Him, He loved us and pursued us, wooing our heart that we might be in an intimate relationship with Him. 

Repeatedly in the Bible God uses the marriage relationship, husband and wife relationship, to illustrate the kind of relationship he wants to have with people; He being our husband and us His bride. In this relationship, God is always interested in connecting intimately with us. There’s never a day of the week or time of day or any place that He isn’t willing to connect with us if we make the time to do so. You’ll never get an “I’m too tired, come back later” message from Him. 

There’s also this amazing metaphor for the intimacy that God desires to have with us displayed through intercourse. In every other religion, God is out there somewhere and we are trying to get to god. In Christianity, the message of the Gospel is that God came for us, and when we embrace Him he literally indwells our body, alive inside of us. This closeness of relationship is mirrored as a husband literally indwells his bride’s body through intercourse when she accepts him. 

Sex is a primary way a man emotionally bonds with his wife. 

Again we’ll blame God for this since in His perfect wisdom God designed your husbands body to release the bonding hormone oxytocin in enormous quantities when experiencing orgasms with his wife. Wives experience this too, but men do so 400% more. 

You may be familiar with oxytocin if you have vaginally delivered children. The synthetic form, Pitocin, is often administered during baby delivery to move labor along. It’s because of the massive amounts of this bonding hormone in your blood when your baby arrives that doctors believe you want to snuggle with your baby instead of killing it after all the pain it caused you. It’s also the hormone that triggers a nursing mom’s milk let down when her baby nuzzles and causes the feeling of closeness when your kids snuggle on your lap while you read them a story. 

God wired your husband so that when he connects with you sexually, the skin to skin contact and hormone release with orgasm would create deep emotional bonding between he and you. It’s this oxytocin flood through his body that also makes him very sleepy after sex. In the absence of regular oxytocin events like sex, your husband will be emotionally disconnected from you. 

Sex is a huge part of a man’s identity.

In more than 10 years of therapy I have yet to have a man sit on my couch and say “Josh, my wife only loves me for my penis. Sex, sex, sex, it’s all she wants. It’s like she doesn’t even care about me as a person. All I am to her is a walking penis.” Now maybe that guy exists, but I’ve not met him yet. I have, however, had many wives express the sentiment concerning their husbands – that they feel their husband isn’t interested in them as a person, only as a sex object. 

This idea is foreign to men because their sexuality is very much integrated with their identity. While women experience their sexuality as largely separate from their personhood. For a man, to reject him sexually is a rejection of his personhood. 

Sometimes I illustrate this with a story about the best and worst anniversary card ever given. The story goes like this:

A husband decides to write his wife an anniversary card to express his undying love for her. It reads, “Darling, you are so beautiful and I find you so sexually un-resistible that if you were in a coma and we could never have another conversation but we could still have sex – I wouldn’t mind a bit, I’d keep you around so we could keep having sex.” 

How do you think that wife felt? How would you feel? Not very good probably. Quite possible the worst anniversary card ever, yes?

Now, take that same anniversary card and have a wife give it to her husband, “Darling, you are such a stud and I find you so sexually un-resistible that if you were in a coma I would keep your body around so I could keep having sex with you.”

You’re likely to hear this guy telling his friends around the locker room “You’re never going to believe what my wife said….it was the nicest thing she’s ever said to me…”

The reason for this is that men’s identity and sexuality are so integrated. To accept a man sexually is to accept him. To reject a man sexually is to reject him. Often times women will say this to their husband, thinking they are paying him a compliment: “Honey, I love you so much, appreciate you as dad, and enjoy being married to you – if we never had sex again, I would be OK with that, I just don’t need that part of our relationship – it’s you that are so precious to me.”

A man hearing this from his wife feels about the same as a wife feels hearing, “Honey, I love having sex with you so much, if we never have another meaningful conversation, if I never have to hear your voice again, but we can keep having great sex – I would be OK with that, I just don’t really need that whole conversation part of our relationship.”

Most wives would be crushed hearing this – husbands feel the same. Only, instead of expressing it in tears men tend to express hurt in the form of anger. They may blow up or just shut-down and withdraw from the relationship. 

It’s a big way he feels affirmed and accepted by you. 

Since a man’s sexuality is such a big part of his identity it’s also a significant way he feels affirmed and accepted by his wife. Words, acts of service, quality time, non-sexual physical touch, and sometimes gifts all matter – but none of these love languages replace a man’s longing to feel wanted sexually by his wife. Nothing says, “I love you, thank you, I think you’re great” to a man quite like “You’re a stud and I look forward to having sex with you.” 

The entire pornography and illicit sex industry is built on the exploitation of this powerful reality for men. Porn and illicit sex is never rejecting, always affirming, and always want’s you sexually. While this is a fantasy and no real woman could ever live up to this, it illustrates what they know about a man’s heart. Every man want’s to be found sexually desirable by his wife and to feel accepted/affirmed sexually by her. 

Men and women are different by design. 

Men experience their sexuality differently than women. While this may be confusing to wives, it’s not because men are broken or defective – it’s how God made us. Believe it or not, the differences are actually complementary. 

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Sex is God’s idea, true enough. Most of us, however, did not get a very good education about sex from the church or our dad’s for that matter. Our ideas about sex came from everywhere but the Bible. We were lead to believe that sex was great fun, but like all things that are great fun were also dirty, nasty, sinful, and wrong. Which makes you wonder why we are supposed to save it for the one we love.

If sex is so great and it’s God’s idea, why are Christians so quiet on the matter?

This article is far from comprehensive, but it’s a good start to a quality, accurate, and Biblical guide to sex for Christian Men. The resources referenced go into a lot more detail and I highly recommend you pick up a copy. I don’t care how old you are, you’ll learn something and it will make your love life better (even if it’s already great).

(You have to watch/listen to the video to get the title.)

Things for a man to consider about sex:

1. Competing, achieving, arriving, scoring, hunting, and winning are natural inclinations for men. Sex is not about conquering, achieving, or scoring; sex is about relating.
2. Love, passion, and intimacy are not about winning or losing; they’re about how you play the game.
3. Sex doesn’t just happen; you make it happen.
4. Men connect and feel loved through sex; women desire sex as the consequence of feeling loved and connected.
5. A wife is validated by her husband’s sexual interest if that is expressed through connection and affirmation rather than pursuit or expression of need.
6. The combination of male constancy and ever-changing, complex femininity is the key to keeping sex alive in marriage.
7. Couples who connect physically daily will have more frequent and more enjoyable sex.
8. Time allotment formula for a successful marriage: 15 minutes per day + 1 evening per week + 1 day per month + 1 weekend per quarter= successful marriage
9. Since a man’s need for connection is not felt like a woman’s, go her way. Accept your wife’s greater need for nurturing.
10. When you genuinely attend to your wife, her heart will open to you, and her sexual attraction to you will increase.
11. Sexually, a woman has both more complex body parts and more complex bodily responses.
12. For a woman, both physical arousal and emotional readiness are necessary for her to proceed to intercourse and orgasm
13. You both win when she learns to listen to her body and go after what she needs.
    

    Formula: The husband adores his wife, his affirmation ignites her passion, and she invites him sexually.

14. KEY CONCEPT: Keep your pace lagging behind your wife’s pace in both activity and intensity.
15. You can never know whether what worked last time will work this time.
16. Marriage is a license to freedom without demand; marriage is not a license to possess and control.
17. When you’re mentally outside looking in as you play in the game of sex, you will lose.
18. The secret to stopping spectatoring: Remove all demands for response and focus on the enjoyment of your bodies.
19. Whenever sex becomes goal-oriented, the body’s response will be affected negatively, and enjoyment will be stifled.

Cliff Penner, Ph.D. and Joyce Penner, M.N., R.N. (Penner & Penner) are some of the most trusted experts in Christian Sex Therapy. Many of the concepts in this article can be found and expounded on in Cliff’s book The Married Guy’s Guide to Great Sex.

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Let’s start with what sex therapy is not. Throw out of your mind anything you ever learned about sex therapy from TV, the movies, or the guy who knows a guy who went to sex therapy with his wife. Sex therapy is not about hyper-sex-maniacs and the latest greatest sexual technique from the revised edition of the kama-sutra.

Sex therapy helps individuals and couples enhance sexual fulfillment and/or resolve sexual conflicts and problems. Solutions can vary from simple education to more extensive counseling around complex or longstanding issues. Strategies are tailored to the goals of the individual or couples seeking help. Sex therapy maintains ethical boundaries and is sensitive to the personal values of the client. Techniques include relationship and intimacy enhancement, strategic reading, specific behavioral interventions, therapy groups and referral/consultation with other professionals. Sex therapy can be a catalyst for healing and enrichment in the crucial sexual component of intimate relationships.

It’s about learning to enjoy, be comfortable with, and feel good about the sexual part of your life. The truth about sex is that it is God’s idea and He wants us to know how to enjoy His good gift best. God wants us to be free from hurt, disappointment, guilt, shame, and feelings of inadequacy so that we can be free to enjoy His gift of sexuality.

Sex therapy is for normal people struggling in the sexual part of their life. It’s about helping people who experience…

Could you benefit from Sex Therapy?

• Lack of Sexual Fulfillment – are you just not enjoying sex or are you having difficulty experiencing orgasm?
• Pain from Sex – is sex painful for you either physically or emotionally?
• Feelings of Inadequacy – do you feel inept or not good enough as a lover?
• Pornography or Sexual Addiction – do you struggle with using pornography or acting out sexually in ways that you’re ashamed of?
• Sexual Abuse, Trauma, or Rape – do you have emotional wounds from being mistreated or exploited sexually?
• Same-Sex Attractions – do you experience distressing same-sex attractions, question your gender, or wonder if you might be “homosexual” or “gay”?

There are many reasons why normal people can use some help in the sexual part of their lives. Don’t let fear or embarrassment keep you from getting help and learning to enjoy God’s gift of sexuality to you.

So why Christian sex therapy?

Christian sex therapy makes sense because sex is God’s idea. God created humans, and He created them as sexual creatures. He knows how our sexuality is meant to be and how it’s enjoyed most. God wants us to be at peace with our sexuality and enjoy it to it’s fullest potential.

While God created our sexuality to be something wonderful and reflective of Him, it can be the source of unbelievable pain. When God’s gift is violated or distorted by personal choices or at the hands of others, the results are hurt, shame, and loss of relationship. Sexual consequences, injuries, and struggles can be devastating. Yet, there is hope.

God is redemptive. This means our God wants to bring healing to the hurting and broken places in our life, including our sexuality. The counselors at MyCounselor integrate the Truth of God’s word, through the power of the Holy Spirit, with the best of information the professional sex therapy field has to offer. The result is Biblically Christian professional sex therapy to help you experience peace, healing and satisfaction in the sexual part of your life.

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Your church is full of men who struggle with pornography and masturbation.  Statistics tell us the issue is absolutely rampant, and perhaps one of the most critical issues facing today’s church.  Perhaps you can relate with Gabe’s story.

Gabe: “The Good Boy & Porn”-

Gabe  grew-up in a Christian home with both parents present.  The family went to church together, read the Bible, and prayed at meal times.  Mom and dad made sure he and his siblings were taken care of in a stable environment.  In fact, looking back, stability was a primary focus for the family.  Each person knew their role and worked diligently to fulfill it.  It played out in daily interactions like a well-choreographed dance.  Conflict was not something Gabe remembers, not because his family was perfect, but because it didn’t happen.  It was the kind of family most people would hope for, and that is what confuses Gabe.  For his part, Gabe was a friendly kid, a bit introverted and socially awkward at times, but well liked.

Starting in high school, he began looking at pornography and masturbating.  At first it was once in a while then becoming more frequent.  Each time he felt tremendous guilt and shame.  He would pray and seek God to help him let go of this behavior.  The path down to the alter at his church was well-worn, as Gabe brought his secret sin to God again and again.    There were was a significant, emotionally charged moment in youth group, where teens were asked to write down on paper the sins they had been struggling with, and then symbolically throw them into a fire barrel, where the flames consumed them.

Gabe did well for a time, but then, fell again, finding himself back doing what he despised.  He guarded the secret more closely than ever, feeling a bit trapped and jaded.  He wanted desperately to be free, but it hurt too much to let himself get his hopes up that change was possible.  Now, as a young man out on his own in the work world, he masturbates while looking at porn and can’t stop.  He wants deliverance, after all, he can’t get married and still be doing this, or maybe having a wife will make the problem go away.  It’s overwhelming and Gabe is losing hope things can change.

Are you Gabe?… God will help…help sometimes looks like a professional counselor.  The Relationship Center is a Biblically Based, Clinically Proven Counseling Center specializing in helping men with pornography and sexual issues.  Contact us today to get started on your journey.  

Related Posts

• How to Talk to Your Son About Pornography
• Starting Couple’s Counseling for Sexual Addictions
• The “good Christian” with a Porn and Sex Addiction Problem
• Broken Promises – What to do about an affair.
• The High Performer with a Secret Life: Portraits of Porn & Sex Addiction
• Affair Recovery 
• Addictive Cycles 101: The Basics Part 1

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