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  • The Relationship Center [MyCounselor.Online] was perfect for our marriage at a very critical time. The crisis was handled and the issues that had to be addressed were brought to the forefront. Each issue was dealt with to resolution before working on the next one. The honest approach and no-nonsense no excuses accepted approach was right on. The skill of the staff was key to our success. The skills that we were given have made our marriage better than it has ever been. Our time with TRC [MyCounselor.Online] not only saved our marriage but made it amazing.

    Tim F
  • My husband and I have been going to TRC [MyCounselor.Online] for about 6 months and have gained valuable resources and tools to help our marriage. Rachelle is a great person and very knowledgeable. I would recommend TRC [MyCounselor.Online] and Rachelle to others.

    Cassandra B.
  • Our marriage was so horrible we thought Josh Spurlock would surely give us the green light that there was no hope and encourage us to go our separate ways. At least that’s what a previous counselor in town had told me to do. Instead, Josh used biblical principles to bring hope into a very dark, bleak situation. We saw Josh on and off for approximately three years. It took a lot of work to have the marriage we do today, but it was worth every penny and every session we attended with Josh. Josh is a phenomenal counselor. It was easy to even talk about those embarrassing, tough topics with him. God really used The Relationship Center[MyCounselor.Online] to restore our marriage. Anything is possible when you’re willing to get help, implement what you’re being taught, and add Christ as the third party in your relationship. Instead of being a single Mom to three kids, I now have the marriage I only thought existed if I was with someone else. It really is unbelievable.

    Jackie W
  • I would like to thank Josh for his help in building a strong biblical foundation in our marriage. It is normal to experience situations that cause difficulties in your marriage, but having the courage to step out and ask for help from a faith centered therapist such as Josh can help ensure that God’s plan for your marriage is revealed. Josh Spurlock is a true man of faith that honestly cares about your marriage and is committed to taking a biblical approach to therapy in an effort to equip you with the tools that are essential for continued success and years of mutual understanding and happiness.

    Kirk P
  • Absolutely TOP NOTCH! These guys are the best of the best. SO good at what they do and being able to hear what you are not saying. They don’t want to keep you sick in an effort to collect money. Their hearts are truly at the center of Jesus and healing. It’s changed my life. I’ve gone for 5 or more years and I’m still there. Best money and decision I’ve ever made in an effort to change my life and relationships. I’m so grateful for the investment Rebecca and Shaun have made in my life and the confidence and encouragement the two of them have given me. Both are equally special! Exactly what I needed for my process.

    Chelsea B
  • Investing in christian counseling made all the difference for us. We had come to a point in our marriage where we were not communicating with one another. We had kids, careers, schedules and routines, and felt we were functioning well enough. What we didn’t have was a connection to one another. We each approached situations from our own perspective never taking time to realize how that impacted the other, or how we had come to have that perspective in the first place. The counseling process allowed us to reconnect with ourselves and to one another and provided tools for us to use when we weren’t with our counselor. We consider it one of the best investments of time and finances we have ever made! We would recommend the counseling process and our counselor Rachelle Colegrove without hesitation.

    Brian & Julie U
  • I have been going to Melissa for a little over a year now and I can honestly say it is one of the highlights of my week every week. I feel that she has helped me through so much already and is extremely easy to talk to about anything. I really appreciate her listening and offering me wisdom every time I see her. I don’t know how I would’ve managed getting through this past year of my life at times if I had started going to The Relationship Center [MyCounselor.Online]. Also, I am so grateful that they worked with me financially to find something that fits my tight, college budget. I definitely tell everyone about this place when they ask me about where to go for counseling. Thank you so much.

    Noelle R
  • Web-based interventions compared to non-Web-based interventions showed an improvement in outcomes.
     
    A University of California meta-analysis concluded that Web-based interventions compared to non-Web-based interventions showed an improvement in outcomes in a meta-analysis of 5 studies. The primary focus was self-care and self-management interventions to encourage individual's behavior change in the presence of a chronic illness or condition necessitating knowledge sharing, education, and understanding of the condition. 
    — Journal of Medical Internet Research http://www.jmir.org/2004/4/e40/
  • The effects of online psychotherapy outlasted the results of face-to-face counseling
    A University of Zurich study divided a group of 62 patients in half and found that depression was eased in 53 percent of those given online therapy, compared to 50 percent who had in-person counseling. Three months after completing the study, 57 percent of online patients showed no signs of depression compared to 42 percent with conventional therapy.
    — Journal of Affective Disorders https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/07/130730091255.htm
  • Online therapy significantly lowered the number of hospital visits among veterans.
    In a four-year Johns Hopkins study that included close to 100,000 veterans, the number of days that patients were hospitalized dropped by 25 percent if they chose online counseling. This is slightly higher than the number of hospital visits experienced by patients who used face-to-face counseling.
    — Psychiatric Services

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Resources

The Affair Recovery Guide Part 1

It could be your worst nightmare to wake up one day and discover the love of your life had or is having an affair. Your spouse having an affair could be something you saw coming. For others it [...]

Depression In Women

Women are two times more likely than men to experience depression. In fact, about 20% of all women will experience depression at some point during their life. This article will educate you about [...]

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Life & Relationship Articles

Top 10 Reasons Married Women Don’t Want Sex

Why Married Women Don’t Enjoy Sex

As a sex therapist I spend a lot of time with couples that are having difficulty in the sexual part of their relationship. Most of the couples I see are coming to me, at least in part, because the wife is not interested in connecting sexually as frequently as her husband (though 1 out of 5 times it’s the opposite). 
When I start assessing the situation I usually find a combination of the following 10 causes for low sexual desire in women. They are all generally related to violations of the pleasure principle. Fortunately, they can all be treated with a high degree of success. 

Pleasure Principle

All barriers to sexual desire for married women are usually related to the universal Pleasure Principle. The pleasure principle is simply this: We desire to engage that which we enjoy. We do not desire to engage what we do not enjoy. 
It’s because of the pleasure principle that I never have a deep burning desire to be poked in the eye. I don’t enjoy it, so I don’t crave it. Each of the barriers to a women’s sexual desire make sex not enjoyable for her. If it’s not enjoyable, why would a woman want it?
Side note: To help you understand these 10 reasons I need to define for you the 2 types of sexual arousal. The first is subjective arousal. This is the awareness or feeling of being horny / sexually aroused. The second is physical arousal this refers to the physiological changes that happen in the body as it becomes sexual aroused (dilation of the pupils, increased heart rate, blood filling the genitals, increased body temperature, perspiration, increased genital sensitivity). It is possible to have one kind of arousal without the other, and each can lead to the other.  

1. Fatigue

Men and women are different. One of the differences is in the way fatigue effects sexual arousal in women. Both men and women’s physical arousal is effected by fatigue, but women’s bodies are effected to a much greater degree. If a woman is exhausted physically, her body wont respond with physical arousal, which means she wont want or enjoy connecting sexually. If you don’t enjoy connecting sexually – you wont want to connect sexually. 

2. Hormone Cycle

A woman hits her sex hormone peak in late teens to mid-twenties. As this starts to trail off over time, there’s usually still a hormonal surge that happens 1-3 days a month right around ovulation. The body says “Hey, I’m about to drop an egg, go find your man so you can fertilize it.” 
It’s pretty normal for a mature married woman to only experience what we call initiating desire (ie. a spontaneous desire out of the blue) a few days a month during this hormonal surge. The rest of the month it is very normal for woman to connect sexually out of receptive desire. We’ll discuss these further in an article on overcoming the Hormone Cycle for better sex. 

3. Anorgasmia

An inability or difficulty achieving orgasm, that’s what Anorgasmia means. If you’re not experiencing sexual climax and release when you connect sexually, that significantly impacts the pleasurableness of the experience. That’s not to say you can’t enjoy sex at all or that it’s even normal to orgasm every time you connect sexually. Sexual frustration from a lack of release, however, does diminish the sexual experience- especially if it’s chronic. If unaddressed it will likely leave you feeling less and less interested in sex as time goes by.

4. Lack of Emotional Connection

Sex is an emotional experience. God designed sexual desire to lead a women into an emotionally intimate relationship and to enjoy sexual expression in the context of an emotionally safe and connected relationship- i.e. Marriage. If a women’s marriage doesn’t feel safe or if she doesn’t feel emotionally connected to her husband, she’s probably not going to feel a desire to be sexually vulnerable with him. 
Being disconnected doesn’t necessarily mean you have a bad relationship. Couples who love each other very much and our safe with each other can get emotionally disconnected just from the busyness of life getting in the way. If we’ve been to busy to nurture the relationship, then we’re probably emotionally disconnected. 
If we do have serious communication difficulties or breaches of trust in the relationship, it’s unlikely that we will ever have a healthy, passionate, sexual relationship until this is addressed. 

5. Physical Pain

Does anybody desire physical pain? If you do, you should probably see a counselor about that, it’s not healthy. If sex hurts, I mean really hurts not just a little rough in a playful way, you’re not ever going to desire it. Nor should you. In fact, if you “play through the pain” you can do serious long term damage to your sexual relationship by pairing pain with all things sexual and romantic in your brain. That pairing can even bleed into an association with your spouse in general, which can lead to resentment and loss of respect for your spouse. 

6. Trauma

If you have had negative emotional experiences associated with sexuality, this can significantly impact your sexual desire. Examples of sexual trauma that might impact your sexual desire include:
  • Feeling pressured by a boyfriend to have sex when you weren’t comfortable doing so. 
  • Being sexual in ways that left you feeling guilty or ashamed at an earlier time in your life. 
  • Having been touched or made to act in sexual ways as a kid that made you feel uncomfortable by friends, siblings, baby-sitters, a parent, or another adult.
  • Sexual experiences that have been painful physically or emotionally. 
  • Being forced to engage sexually when you didn’t want to by any one, including your spouse. 
  • Exposures to pornographic material as a kid. 

7. Fear of Pregnancy

If you really don’t want to become pregnant sometimes the fear of becoming pregnant can get in the way of desire. This can be true even if you are taking steps to prevent pregnancy. 
8. Body Self-Consciousness
Feeling attractive / sexy is an important driver for a women’s sexual desire. If you don’t feel sexy, you’re probably going to have difficulty desiring to engage sexually. This is different than men, who are more driven by how attractive they find their spouse then how attractive they think they themselves are. 
If you feel uncomfortable with your body or believe it is unattractive this is going to get in the way of you wanting to be naked with your spouse. This can also take the form of you lacking confidence in engaging sexually. If you are afraid your attempts at being sexy will come off as awkward and embarrassing, you are more likely to avoid sexual encounters. 

9. Sexy = Dirty

Growing up we can sometimes receive the message that sexual desire is lust and only whores / prostitutes want sex. This belief that sex is slutty / dirty and that you are bad for having sexual feelings, especially as a single person, leads us  to feel bad about the sexual part of ourself. Pleasing God and being horny are seen to be incompatible. 
This is especially true for those who grew up in a very religious home. Sometimes the message that “sex is holy” is interpreted to mean that sexy feelings or the desire to engage sexually any way other than “missionary style” is a sinful corruption of God’s design for sex. 
What follows is feeling bad about yourself any time you experience sexual feelings. So you learn to shut down your sexual feelings. This tends to get in the way of desire for sex.

10. Busyness

Work, kids, church, groceries, dinner, laundry, Bible study, small group, friends, family, Facebook….sleep. Who has time or energy for sex? Even on vacation we’re running from one activity to the next. Finding time or mental focus for romance is harder than it sounds. 

You’re Not Alone and There is Help.

If you find yourself in any of these bullet points, you’re not alone. There is a reason they are on a top 10 list – because they’re common. They’re also treatable. Many people just like you have struggled with these things getting in the way of their sex life. As sex therapists, we know how to trouble shoot your difficulties and help you with a plan to overcome them. 
Stay tuned for upcoming articles on how to overcome each of these common reasons for low sexual desire. 
Curious why sexual desire seems to change for a woman after marriage? Check out this article: Why Women’s Sex Drive Declines After Marriage

Take the first step towards a better tomorrow, today.

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