My spouse wants us to experiment sexually, and I’m uncomfortable | #MyCounselorSays

Josh Spurlock

Question:

Ruth says, “How do I handle my husband’s desire for sexual things that I’m not comfortable with?”

Read more to find out what Josh Spurlock, Christian Counselor and Sex Therapist, says about experimenting sexually in marriage, how God designed the sexual relationship to be mutually enjoyable, and how we grow sexually over time, in safe, respectful marriage relationships.

About the Author

This article is based on scientific evidence and clinical experience, written by a licensed professional and fact-checked by experts.

Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Certified Sex Therapists with over 10,000 hours of clinical experience. Josh specializes in Marriage Counseling and Sex Therapy. You can schedule an appointment with Josh for online counseling.

Video Transcript

(Transcript is generated by a software and may have discrepancies from the video.)

Cassie

Welcome to My Counselor Online. I’m Cassie and this is My Counselor Says. My Counselor Says is where you submit a question, either for yourself, or for a friend,  and one of our incredible therapists takes their time and answers your personal question. So let’s go find out what My Counselor Says.

Josh Spurlock on Experimenting Sexually in Marriage

It’s common or even normal for us to have desires, fantasies, or thoughts about sexual experimentation and exploration that are not comfortable for our spouse. But a healthy, mutually respectful sexual relationship is one where we agree to engage in activities that we can mutually enjoy, that are exciting, fun, playful, and engaging for both of us, and free from pressure of demand or expectation to engage in activities that one of us isn’t comfortable with, that doesn’t feel good.

God designed Sex to be Mutually Enjoyable

Sex isn’t intended to be exploitive, that is, my pleasure at your expense. But God has designed sex to be something that’s mutually enjoyable and that we both look forward to and have fun with. And so, even if an activity we believe is okay and good and something that would be fun and playful to engage in, we want to be willing to yield those things to our spouse, in such a way that we enjoy and explore the space between us, that we can both mutually enjoy and find exciting and look forward to, understanding that sexual desire and comfort and space where we feel comfortable experimenting can fluctuate and change over the course of a lifetime.

We Grow Sexually Over Time in Safe, Respectful Relationships

And so, just because our spouse or ourselves are not comfortable with something at one point in time, doesn’t mean that we won’t be comfortable exploring other things, or that thing, at a future point in time. Rather than having a fatalistic thought about how it is now is how it’s always going to be, we need to understand that our sexuality is fluid, and that our comfort level changes over time as we grow in safety in our relationship and our comfort with our own body, our openness to experimenting with other things that would fall within the scope of God’s design for sex can change in flux over the course of a lifetime.

The way to create that space is by respecting each other and not pressuring each other to engage in activities that don’t feel safe, comfortable, or mutually enjoyable for each other.

Thanks for the question, Ruth.

Cassie

Thank you so much for submitting that question!  We certainly love to answer your questions. If you have a question for yourself or a friend, you  can submit it using our web page and then look for the answer in an upcoming edition of our weekly e-newsletter.

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