My spouse wants us to experiment sexually, and I’m uncomfortable | #MyCounselorSays

This article is based on scientific evidence and clinical experience, written by a licensed professional and fact-checked by experts.

Posted: August 22, 2020

Estimated reading time: 3 minutes

In This article
sex therapy

Ruth says, “How do I handle my husband’s desire for sexual things that I’m not comfortable with?”

Read more to find out what Josh Spurlock, Christian Counselor and Sex Therapist, says about experimenting sexually in marriage, how God designed the sexual relationship to be mutually enjoyable, and how we grow sexually over time, in safe, respectful marriage relationships.


Welcome to My Counselor Online. I’m Cassie and this is My Counselor Says. My Counselor Says is where you submit a question, either for yourself, or for a friend,  and one of our incredible therapists takes their time and answers your personal question. So let’s go find out what My Counselor Says.


It’s common or even normal for us to have desires, fantasies, or thoughts about sexual experimentation and exploration that are not comfortable for our spouse. But a healthy, mutually respectful sexual relationship is one where we agree to engage in activities that we can mutually enjoy, that are exciting, fun, playful, and engaging for both of us, and free from pressure of demand or expectation to engage in activities that one of us isn’t comfortable with, that doesn’t feel good.


Sex isn’t intended to be exploitive, that is, my pleasure at your expense. But God has designed sex to be something that’s mutually enjoyable and that we both look forward to and have fun with. And so, even if an activity we believe is okay and good and something that would be fun and playful to engage in, we want to be willing to yield those things to our spouse, in such a way that we enjoy and explore the space between us, that we can both mutually enjoy and find exciting and look forward to, understanding that sexual desire and comfort and space where we feel comfortable experimenting can fluctuate and change over the course of a lifetime.


And so, just because our spouse or ourselves are not comfortable with something at one point in time, doesn’t mean that we won’t be comfortable exploring other things, or that thing, at a future point in time. Rather than having a fatalistic thought about how it is now is how it’s always going to be, we need to understand that our sexuality is fluid, and that our comfort level changes over time as we grow in safety in our relationship and our comfort with our own body, our openness to experimenting with other things that would fall within the scope of God’s design for sex can change in flux over the course of a lifetime.

The way to create that space is by respecting each other and not pressuring each other to engage in activities that don’t feel safe, comfortable, or mutually enjoyable for each other.

Thanks for the question, Ruth. If you have a question that you want to be answered by one of our counselors, submit it here!

Back to top

This article is based on scientific evidence and clinical experience, written by a licensed professional and fact-checked by experts.

About the Author
Josh Spurlock
Josh Spurlock

Josh Spurlock MA, LPC, CST, has a BA in Biblical Languages and a Masters in Counseling. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), holding licenses in MissouriColorado, and Florida. He is also a Certified Sex Therapist (CST), Level 2 AEDP Therapist, and an Ordained Minister. He is an Advanced Practice Clinician, with over 10,000 hours of clinical experience. He specializes in Marriage Counseling, Sex Therapy, Family Counseling, and works with Executives, Pastors, Business Owners, and Ministry Leaders. Learn more about Josh Spurlock at

Josh is currently unable to take on any new clients.

Learn More About Josh
See If We Match
Share this article
View more articles
When God Says To Care For Yourself by Melissa Abello
Thriving, Striving, & Surviving in Single Parenthood

By: Megan Hughes


By: Josh Spurlock

Emotions: A Brief Introduction

By: Emily Hurst

Visit Our Article Library