Surviving Your Spouse’s Porn Addiction

This article is based on scientific evidence and clinical experience, written by a licensed professional and fact-checked by experts.

Posted: December 2, 2022

Estimated reading time: 8 minutes

porn sex Addictions

It can happen many ways.

· She slips up and leaves a browser window open on the laptop.

· He feels suffocated by his silent secret and eventually tells all.

· You find your children in possession of explicit material that they found in your spouse’s personal space

Regardless of how you discovered your spouse’s porn addiction, the realization hits you like a train. The ground underneath you may seem unsteady, a pit of disbelief might be aching in your stomach and, if rage is surging through your entire body, you’re responding how many people respond when they make a devastating discovery. It feels like an emotionally jolting roller coaster to say the least.

If you are reading this, it is likely that you have just made this discovery for yourself and are reeling from the shock. In this article I would like to join you at the outset of your journey towards stabilization and healing. Although you feel great pain now, there is absolutely hope for you to heal from this injury—whether your spouse chooses to pursue recovery or not. Rather than addressing how to talk to your spouse about this discovery, this article discusses common responses when finding out your spouse has been looking at porn and the supports you’ll want to put into place for yourself during this challenging time.

After the Pause: Have you ever experienced a sudden loss that seemed to come out of nowhere? Gotten that phone call that made your heart drop? In that moment reality seems to pause inside you and it takes some time for your heart to catch up with the reality of what happened. Similarly, the initial discovery of your spouse’s porn addiction is a relational trauma that leaves you in a state of emotional shock, where you can’t even begin to take in the extent of the damage done. Once the impact of the trauma sets in, you’ll likely do everything possible to avoid feeling it. Who wouldn’t? It’s painful!

Rather than diving deep into your shattered emotions, you might avoid facing them in one of two ways: showing explosive anger and letting your partner know just how terrible they are, or showing a desire to heal and forgive with a strong push to put this all behind you. Let’s take a closer look at how each avoidant stance feels, sounds, and acts and see if you can identify which group feels more familiar to you.

When we’re consumed with explosive anger it…

Feels like: A justified response.

Sounds like: “You will get help or you can kiss this marriage goodbye.”

Acts like: Lots of control is the solution to the pain.

Explosive anger feels right, especially in the wake of discovering your spouse’s porn addiction. It provides the energy boost needed to map out your spouse’s recovery plan. Counseling on Monday, Bible study on Tuesday, support groups on Wednesday and Saturday, internet filters, and flip phones. Sound familiar? “Of course it sounds familiar! Every time my spouse messes up, I’m the one who cleans it up.” It feels like your only option, I get that.

Those of us in this camp rise to the occasion for very specific reasons. Being the one with the plan helps us to feel significant and worthy, two of our deepest needs. We also take charge to protect ourselves from being hurt. As long as we’re in control we feel a sense of power and protection, although it is only an illusion. As with the “forgive and move on” approach underneath this explosive exterior is, you guessed it, fear. Fear of losing control. Fear of being controlled. Fear of being powerless. The truth is that you are powerless to control your spouse’s choices. No wonder you’re angry! …and scared. As you move through this journey, you’ll notice that explosive anger gets triggered often, especially when your spouse slips up or chooses something that hurts you.

Let’s talk about where to take that anger when it threatens to explode. Consider finding one or several containers for your anger because as good as raging at your spouse might sound in theory, it will only cause more damage to both of you and your relationship. Your anger is valid and expressing it in the right contexts is healthy. Good containers could include a friend who listens empathetically, a journal where you can vent for pages and pages uninterrupted, or an exercise that you can throw your energy into. Remember not to guilt yourself for feeling angry. Anger says, ‘This relationship mattered, I cared, and that’s why this hurts.”

What if I want my spouse to hear and feel my anger? The desire for your anger to be heard and felt by your spouse is not wrong or sinful. It is important for your spouse to understand how their choices have impacted you, and one of the ways that happens is listening to and understanding your pain. Of course, you are bursting at the seams to share with them, but the tricky part is knowing when your spouse can truly hear your pain and when they cannot.  Consider these two common pitfalls when the burning desire to be heard by your spouse takes over.

The first pitfall sounds like:

“After devastating our relationship, the least my spouse can do is offer a listening ear whenever I need it, even it takes all night! Their attention to me will prove that I matter and that they’re willing to work on this relationship. I’m enduring the pain of their terrible choices, so the least they can do is endure the pain and anger I’m feeling, right?”

While this seems like appropriate recourse and a solution to some of you pain, you’ll find that this expectation proves to be unfeasible and unsustainable. Here’s why. No person possesses infinite capacity to hold another’s emotions. No person can muster the endurance to be endlessly present and available. Expecting that of your spouse will lead the both of you to undesirable outcomes: they collapse under the weight of your endless anger, shut down and stop responding, or find a way to express their own fury. All the while you’re left alone in your pain.

The second pitfall sounds like:

“I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. As if sharing these giant emotions isn’t hard enough, I feel like my spouse doesn’t care which infuriates me all over again!”

The belief here is that my spouse’s struggle to fully hear me ‘right now’ means they will never be able to hear me. I hear the cry of your heart here—that the hurt you’ve endured would matter to your spouse and move their heart. Please remember, “not right now” does not mean “not ever.” Your spouse may be a person who struggles to connect emotionally; therefore, their capacity to hold your anger is very limited at this point in recovery. Persistence in recovery will expand your spouse’s capacity to hold your emotions, but especially in these beginning stages you’ll experience very real limitations that inhibit the connection you’re seeking.

When we’re desperate to forgive and move on, it…

Feels like: The Christian thing to do.

Sounds like: “I forgive you,” “Jesus forgives you,” “We will get through this, and everything will be ok.”

Acts like: A pillar of strength and forgiveness. Nothing is actually wrong. This didn’t devastate me to my core.

While this response may sound like the holy option, it sets us on a trajectory away from real healing. Don’t get me wrong! Forgiveness is a vital part of recovery, but it cannot substitute for the hard truths, conversations, and emotions that must be experienced to heal. The “forgive and move-on” approach puts a band aid on a bullet wound and expects full recovery. “But I’m just trying to be loving!” you might be thinking (or screaming) on the other side of this screen. I would like to suggest to you that “forgive and move on” isn’t about love, it’s about fear. Those of us in this camp long to be loved and accepted and are terrified of rejection. Discovering your spouse’s porn addiction already feels like a massive rejection, one you don’t want to risk worsening by showing the true colors of your pain. So, you cling to your spouse, hope to God they won’t leave you, and never get the help your heart so desperately needs.

Let’s explore a better way, dear reader. Consider enlisting your safe people to hold you accountable to slowing down enough to feel your true emotions, even the ones that feel unacceptable or frightening.  When you reveal your anger, sadness, loneliness, fear, and despair in the presence of safe people, your heart might just find the acceptance, relief, and comfort it has been longing for.

Grief:  When a spouse is addicted to pornography, or anything else for that matter, everyone experiences loss. “What have I lost?” you might ask. The answer to that question is as unique as your relationship is to your spouse. It might be time, intimacy, trust in your spouse, trust in yourself, the relationship you thought you had. It might be something completely different. And whenever there is loss, we must grieve. When we grieve, we can heal.  As with anger, grief is a big piece of your heart that needs to be handled with care. Your spouse may not be available to hold your grief in a way that would feel supportive to you right now, in which case you can take it to one of the safe people in your life instead.

For more thoughts on engaging the grieving process, follow this link to a pdf “How to Write an Impact Letter.” CLICK HERE.

Safe People: You may be wondering what to do with the turmoil swirling inside you. My best piece of advice? Don’t try to deal with it alone.Now is the time to turn to safe relationships with those who love you and have the strength and maturity to walk alongside you.Safe is the key word! Not everyone needs to know about this sensitive area of your life. How can you identify the difference between safe and unsafe people? Unsafe people want to fix you, tell you what to do, or bash your spouse for their choices. Safe people listen and care without judgment, advice-giving, or gossip. They are concerned about your heart and care about both you and your spouse.

Typically, trusted friends, mentors, pastors, and therapists fall into this category. If you don’t have a safe person to talk to or simply need extra support, a therapist on our team would love to talk with you.

Watch: Surviving Your Spouse’s Porn Addiction: Part 2

Back to top