MyCounselor Says: Why Don’t Christian Guys Notice Me?

Josh Spurlock

Question asked for Leah

Question: 

How do you deal with not getting attention from Christian guys? I’m a pretty 29-year-old. Non-Christians hit on me. Christian guys ignore me.

Answer by: Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST

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Video Transcript

(Transcript is generated by a software and may have discrepancies from the video.)

Cassie

Welcome to My Counselor Online. I’m Cassie and today one of our awesome counselors is going to answer your question. So let’s go find out what MyCounselor Says.

Josh

Josh Spurlock here with My Counselor Online answering a question from Leah on how do you deal with not getting attention from Christian guys? I’m a pretty 29 year old non Christians hit on me all the time. Christian guys ignore me.

Well, Leah, I feel for you. It’s, it’s hard.

Being single desiring the attention affection of a relationship and having that longing and not having that during this season. And so that’s a tough thing.

Consider this…

And it’s really normal thing to be experiencing and trying to sort through why am I, how do I deal with the current season that I am. And why am I experiencing the things that I’m Going through in terms of relationships and guys and the opposite sex? Tough questions to figure out the answers to. So first, let’s talk about dealing with the not getting attention.

There is a a healthy and sadness or disappointment and not having the attention from the opposite sex that we desire.

That longing for that woman. That is a very normal thing that God has wired into us and that we have a desire for. so there’s not anything wrong or weird about that.

But sometimes the longing can go beyond the normal desire to be found attractive and desirable in the desire to be in an intimate relationship, and it can be about wounds that we have in our life.

Where that needing of approval and affirmation and acceptance from the opposite sex is something that is Overly important to us for our sense of identity and being good enough and being worthy and we can really seek after that and try to fill a void that’s in our life.

Around that need for attachment and acceptance and essence of worthiness through the attention and validation that comes from the opposite sex. And so part of dealing with The pain that you experience from not having that attention. Maybe about understanding some of the underlying wounds that really intensify that for you and make it feel unbearable.

Now, as opposed to a sadness that you have a longing that you have, but it doesn’t keep you from thriving and enjoying life to the fullest in the present.

As God is enabling you to do so. So you may want to work with a counselor and take a look at Some of the wounds that are part of your life experience that are intensifying the pain of that situation so that you can better deal with it and not have it control you in ways that rob your peace robbed your joy in perhaps Inclined you or create this compulsion to be in relationships or engaging relationship dynamics that are really unhealthy and not good for you, compelled out of this longing And a void that you’re trying to fill with that. So that would be the first piece that I would communicate

And this…

Another piece that is worth noting, and thinking about the attention that you receive for non Christian guys versus the attention that you receive from Christian guys

One possible component to that is the discomfort that in NX that is created from you being such a beautiful woman.

That sometimes for Christian guys that are trying to manage their own purity manage their thought live manage in their dynamics with the opposite sex so that it would be healthy Can cause some awkwardness for them when they are seen engaging interacting with a beautiful girl like yourself.

And so it may be that the fact that you’re so beautiful actually creates an awkwardness for them in trying to figure out how do I manage my own emotions. How do I manage my own thoughts. How do I manage my interactions, so that I can engage this girl as a Sister and all purity in my heart and mind and so sometimes that internal struggle that maybe isn’t present there for the non Christian guys that hit on you, who are really okay with You know, exploiting you for their own sexual gratification their own thoughts and kind of using you in that way.

That’s not a conviction or an issue for them. And so they just hit on pursue in in order to try to connect with you sexually for their own gratification, so there’s not a conflict there for them and managing that. And so That could be part of why it is that the you don’t have the engagement or attention of the non Christian guys so Another piece to consider. Think about is maybe adjusting the relationship expectations in pursuing a healthy Christian relationship as opposed to maybe a non Christian Cultural normative way of pursuing relationship, one that is really instead of being just driven out of sexual attraction.

For beauty, but one that is growing and develops out of a friendship dynamic and being able to interact with and engage with the opposite sex with the aim of developing meaningful rich friendships with these guys that maybe you have some interest in in allowing the

Attraction and kind of physical side of that to be something that secondary and follows out of the friendship, as opposed to being the thing that leads into initiates the relationship and the basis for evaluating acceptance in the relationship.

Cassie

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