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Todd says, “I found out after a year together with his fiancee that she engaged in oral sex with her ex. Now I can’t un-see it. I still love her or want to be in the relationship, but I have these unwanted intrusive thoughts on a daily basis.”

Read more to find out what Josh Spurlock, Christian Counselor and Sex Therapist, says about the effects of relationship trauma, and how unresolved problems cause anxiety, which fuels unwanted thoughts and fears.

CASSIE

Welcome to My Counselor Online. I’m Cassie and this is My Counselor Says. My Counselor Says is where you submit a question, either for yourself, or for a friend,  and one of our incredible therapists takes their time and answers your personal question. So let’s go find out what My Counselor Says.

JOSH SPURLOCK ON INSTRUSIVE THOUGHTS CAUSED BY RELATIONSHIP TRAUMA

Well Todd, when we experience a relationship trauma like that, it’s ability to be triggered, come back, cause flooding, and be intrusive in our thoughts at times that we don’t want it to throughout the course of the day, can be really overwhelming.

HAVE YOU WORKED THROUGH THE BREACH WITHIN THE RELATIONSHIP?

One of the things that we want to address if we want the relationship to work and continue forward, is, have we really worked through that breach within the relationship? Do we have a relationship where we trust each other, and are able to feel connected with each other? Are we secure in our attachment with one another within the relationship?

RELATIONAL DISCONNECTS CAN CAUSE ANXIETY, WHICH FUELS THE CYCLE OF UNWANTED THOUGHTS

Is if there’s a disconnect within the relationship at any point, there’s communication disconnect. There’s romantic disconnect. If there’s a place where we’re not able to feel close, connected, and safe within the relationship, that anxiety and fear that we have can attach itself to some of these events or things that have happened, that have been traumas or breaches in the relationship, and drive them in a way that causes them to come back to us.

And so, one of the first things that you want to do in a situation like this, is to evaluate the relationship and go, “Have we really worked through that? Are we really in a good, healthy, solid place relationship wise?” If that’s the case, that can really bring peace to those past hurts in a way that enables them to heal, and allows us to move past them without them intrusively coming back.

Thanks for your question, Todd. If you have a question that you want to be answered by one of our counselors, submit it here!