MyCounselor Says: He Hurt Me but I Still Care

Josh Spurlock

Question: 

“Is it normal to have feelings someone after they’ve hurt you and to feel like even through the things they’ve done to you they could change?”

Read more to find out what relationship expert Josh Spurlock has to say about relationship hurts.

About the Author

This article is based on scientific evidence and clinical experience, written by a licensed professional and fact-checked by experts.

Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Certified Sex Therapists with over 10,000 hours of clinical experience. Josh specializes in Marriage Counseling and Sex Therapy. You can schedule an appointment with Josh for online counseling.

Video Transcript

(Transcript is generated by a software and may have discrepancies from the video.)

Cassie

Welcome to My Counselor Online. I’m Cassie and today one of our awesome counselors is going to answer your question. So let’s go find out what MyCounselor Says.

Josh Spurlock on Relationship Hurts

Josh Spurlock here from My Counselor Online answering a question from Sam: “Is it normal to have feelings for someone after they’ve hurt you? And feel like even though things that they’ve done to you, they could change.”

The Answer in a Nutshell to Relationship Hurts

The answer to that is: Yes. When you care about somebody there’s an emotional attachment that’s there that wants for the best that wants to believe that things can be different and will be different. And sometimes they will be. For instance, it’s often just a matter of learning to communicate in a way that minimizes relationship hurts.

And so it’s a it’s a matter of trying to figure out whether or not the longing for and wish and want for things to be different is clouding your vision of reality. Because we can certainly live in denial. In a place where we want for something to be true, even though there’s really no evidence to suggest that it would be. It’s really just an expression of our longing and desire.

You’ve been Hurt in your Relationship…Here’s Your Best Move

And so it’s really important to have people in our life, healthy individuals, safe individuals who we can hear feedback from. The kind of people who don’t have the same attachment that we do that’s going to cloud their ability to see things as they are. We allow them to reality check for us. They speak into our life about the relationship hurts we’re experiencing in an unclouded way, unaffected by the things that we wish or want to be true.

These people help us avoid a situation where we continue to put ourselves in a relationship with someone who lacks character. With a person who will continue to hurt us. We don’t want to be involved with someone who is not maturing, isn’t addressing, isn’t growing in the things that they need to grow in. Or isn’t communicating repentance or a real desire to change. And so we don’t really have any reason or evidence to believe that things are going to be different.

So it’s really normal to long for those things, even when you’ve been hurt in that relationship. Sometimes there is evidence, there is reason to believe that change is going to take place, that it’s going to happen.

And at other times there isn’t evidence after being hurt to believe that things are going to be different. But our longing and desire for them to be different allows us to convince ourselves that it will be different, even though there’s no reason to believe so.

And some of the best safety guards that we can have in our life around that is to have healthy individuals that are friends that we allow into our lives, that we can trust to give us good counsel around those things.

Cassie

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