In This article

• Should you be involved in recovery with your spouse
• How to be involved in your spouse’s recovery
• When you should WAIT to be involved in your spouse’s recovery 
• 2 Necessary hard things to hear
• Where to start
• Activation  
• Helpful Links

Perhaps this is your first time facing the fact that your spouse’s habits have slowly become overwhelming patterns, like an unwelcome third member of the marriage.  Or maybe this is a frustratingly familiar cycle of momentary lull in the radical rollercoaster of your spouse flying off the emotional handles and sliding back to the all too familiar escape of alcohol or substances or pornography. In either scenario, you may find yourself living alongside the person you care for whose actions and life have become unmanageable on their own, and you are likely trying to figure out what part you can play in this process to help them. Here are some frequent questions and areas of consideration as you begin or even re-start this journey together.

In this article:

• Should you be involved in your spouse’s recovery
• How to be involved in your spouse’s recovery
• When you should WAIT to be involved in your spouse’s recovery
• 2 Necessary hard things to hear
• Where to start
• Activation

Should you be involved in recovery with your spouse

The short response is: When at all possible, yes. Couples need to communicate and comfort each other in order to face the process of recovery effectively and to heal, not just manage symptoms.

Studies show that the work of re-engaging healthy partner relationships (having tough conversations, making amends, creating new relational habits to build new trust) is key in the process of changing unhealthy life-patterns to healthy ones for individuals who struggle with addictive behavior.

Your spouse’s actions do not just impact them; that is part of the false internal thought pattern or story that addictive behaviors often create as a way to continuing behaviors that help the person avoid pain or discomfort: “This only affects me.” This and other statements like it are not true, as you have likely experienced already. The choices to seek substances, alcohol or pornography are deeply painful for you as a spouse; in a sense, you lose them every time they choose those substances or behavior instead of reaching out to you with their more vulnerable needs or fears.

A key part of recovery work for individuals is to stop the cycle of bypassing feeling the pain of the impact of their actions on you and your family and/or community. By taking time to learn to face you and talk together about the reality of the cycles of abandonment, loss, anger, fear and pain their choices have triggered in you and others in their life, your spouse has greater access to a process of healing emotional pain with you, within themselves, lowering the impact of shame, increasing emotional stability and lowering risk of relapse.

How to be involved in your spouse’s recovery

Doing the hard work of learning to engage in feeling and expressing deeper emotions together again is important for not only your spouse but you as well. After holding so much of your own emotions and experiences in while managing the cycle of addiction with your spouse, you will need the time and practice of vulnerability with your spouse to learn to feel trust in them in a new way.

Research also shows that the engagement in a safe community is key in the recovery process. Individuals learn in that space that they are not alone, that their worst parts of self, thoughts of self-shame for their actions, or fears etc. are not too much for others. They learn to be received and supported by others and to feel safer within themselves to take risks to share more of themselves with loved ones instead of old patterns of numbing or escaping.

Working with a recovery group, such as Celebrate Recovery or Alcoholics/Narcotics/Sexaholics Anonymous can help support the deeper relational healing needed for your spouse’s internal process.

Alongside this group work, and/or individual therapy work, your relationship work with a trained couple’s therapist or betrayal trauma recovery coach can help you both learn to face vulnerable moments and support the growth of new vulnerable connections and build new patterns of trust and understanding together.

You can also get involved in the recovery process by participating in your own work such as AlAnon, a Grief group, or Celebrate Recovery group and individual therapy.  These places and people can help you address the pain that you have carried and the coping patterns you have  likely developed during this journey with your spouse. Your healing journey does not have to wait for your spouse. Engaging in these places you will have the support of others to help you feel seen and heard and understood in this process so that you can better engage with your spouse as you were surviving the pain and disconnection.

It’s going to take  repeated experiences of rebuilding trust and practicing comfort together, words and actions matching over time (more than 30 days) to build a new trust together with your spouse. And that’s ok.

When you should WAIT to be involved in your spouse’s recovery

You should wait to be involved in your spouse’s recovery if your spouse continually exhibits patterns of self-harm or if others’ needs for safety – emotionally, mentally, physically or spiritually are continually ignored or belittled by your spouse.

You should wait to be involved in your spouse’s recovery if you consistently avoid conflict with your spouse about their active addictive behavior, thereby creating opportunity for them to continue their patterns of harmful choices without explicit communication of the impact on you and others, such as:

• You continue to pay for your spouse’s court costs for traffic violations, speeding or DUI charges.
• You compensate for all material property damages without your spouse’s involvement or actions of repentance.
• You plan your own schedule/vacations/family events in order to be present to manage or prevent your spouse’s behavior when you know they have an opportunity to drink or use substances.
• You avoid or limit time at social gatherings or public events because you are worried about what they will do or say and how others will perceive them or you.
• You continually explain your spouse’s choices, behaviors or lack of behavior to friends or their coworkers or boss.
• You allow your spouse unrestricted access to joint resources when he/she has exhibited physically or financially reckless and irresponsible decision making.
• If these patterns or choices are showing up for you, this would be a good time to get connected with a therapist trained in both couple’s relational /betrayal trauma and addiction recovery work.

Why?
Because the patterns listed above are described as enabling – allowing your spouse to continue in behavior choices that do or can cause harm to others as well as themselves- and this can put you in harm’s way yourself.

If you have lived with your spouse, or others in your life who have also struggled with patterns of addictive behavior choices, you may not notice some of the patterns you yourself have developed to cope with the painful behaviors and the mental, emotional and physical stress caused by being in close relationship with someone in addiction. Living with those patterns of coping or ignoring and enabling your spouse’s actions takes a toll on your mental, physical, and emotional well-being and it is not sustainable for a healthy life for you.

A therapist trained in addiction recovery and/ or betrayal trauma work and /or a recovery group like AlAnon or Celebrate Recovery can help you identify areas of care, personal safety, and healing to focus on first in recovery and repair of the relational and personal wounds and care needed for you. They can help you take steps to process your own pain and build new connection with your spouse as they learn and heal along side you. You need community and support too. It’s ok to take the time to heal and strengthen your own heart, mind, and spirit with safe others.

2 Necessary hard things to hear

One – Your spouse is an adult, not your child. They are responsible for their own thoughts, feelings, words and actions, including steps toward recovery.

With good support around you both, you can engage with your spouse as they learn to see and accept that you are there to support them, to link arms with them to encourage as they take their steps to change and replace the old patterns of addictive escape or self-soothing.

With support from therapy, a recovery community and a faith community, both you and your spouse in a loving community can grow and encourage each other as you engage in new patterns and receive new healing experiences within yourselves, with God, and other safe people.

You cannot take full responsibility for your spouse’s healing steps of ownership and engagement in their life with you. You can walk with them, but you cannot do it all for them.

TWO – It takes the time it takes.

I wish that I could offer a quick upload/download version of this work, a 90 day reset, but that’s just not the way God designed our bodies, hearts and minds to heal. We need each day and each season to do the work we are in. Process is in our very DNA and it is ok to take the time needed to do this work, your spouse’s work, and your relationship with each other.

One thing at a time, one day at a time, is enough to heal and grow.

Where to start

For the spouse coming out of active addiction in alcohol/ substances/ sex/ porn addiction:

Expect processes of recovery and healing steps to take anywhere from 2 to 5 years to build new, reliable pathways in your spouse’s mind and heart and in your own mind and heart and relationship. Research indicates this is a normal span of time for individuals and couple’s growth work from wounds such as addiction or betrayal.

It’s helpful in that time to think in 90 day sections at a time for the addiction recovery processes, each season, a new section of healing and learning together.

For you, the spouse not in an addictive substance use pattern, some of the same things your spouse needs will also help you process your painful and frustrating experiences and take steps of care for and for your marriage.

• Connect and engage consistently in a 12 step group for the first year at minimum; both you and your spouse will benefit from the community and accountability to practice walking out what you are learning and healing in together.
• Connect with community support – a few trusted friends, church small group, mom’s/dad’s groups for childcare, safe community to enjoy and be honest with your journey.
• Both of you connect with a couple’s therapist and individual therapist.
• Both of you seek initial and routine physical check-ups for support for any possible underlying medical needs due to or pre-existing the addictive behaviors.

Activation

The “12 step Big Book” by Alcoholics Anonymous founder William G. (Bill) Wilson has a phrase that encompasses this process well: “The program works if you work the program,” and that is the bottom line.

Taking the first step today for yourself and having a hard conversation with your spouse or with a small group of trusted friend(s) or pastoral leader to help you get connected to support is an important place to begin. Who is someone you trust who your story is safe with that can help you look for and set up a first meeting with a therapist, or go with you and /or your spouse to a recovery meeting like Celebrate Recovery, Alcoholics Anonymous or AlAnon?

Can you set up a follow up conversation with them, an appointment, in 2 weeks? In 1 month?

Below are some other resources to begin searching and engaging in support for yourself and your marriage.

You have what it takes to see change happen in your life and your marriage; your spouse does also. Facing the real changes needed is the first step to creating a new, safer, more fulfilled life for both of you.

Helpful Links

MyCounselor.online
https://mycounselor.online/

https://celebraterecovery.com/

https://www.bethesdaworkshops.org/

https://www.thejourneycourse.com/

https://www.amazon.com/Recovery-Freedom-Addictions-Russell-Brand/dp/1250141923