Should orgasm be the main goal when connecting sexually? | #mycounselorsays

Josh Spurlock


Terri says, “How can you engage in physical intimacy and not have an orgasm as a goal?”

Read more to find out what Josh Spurlock, Christian Counselor and Sex Therapist, says about the goal of connecting sexually, and how an over-emphasis on orgasm can get in the way of experiencing orgasm.

About the Author

This article is based on scientific evidence and clinical experience, written by a licensed professional and fact-checked by experts.

Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Certified Sex Therapists with over 10,000 hours of clinical experience. Josh specializes in Marriage Counseling and Sex Therapy. You can schedule an appointment with Josh for online counseling.

Video Transcript

(Transcript is generated by a software and may have discrepancies from the video.)


Welcome to My Counselor Online. I’m Cassie and this is My Counselor Says. My Counselor Says is where you submit a question, either for yourself, or for a friend,  and one of our incredible therapists takes their time and answers your personal question. So let’s go find out what My Counselor Says.

Josh Spurlock on how the Goal of Sex is Connection with Our Spouse

First of all, the goal for connecting sexually is to have connection with our spouse, and to enjoy the physical expression of that, and the physical pleasure of that. Part of that is orgasm; Not that every time we connect sexually, we have to orgasm in order for it to be a positive experience or for us to enjoy that, but it’s perfectly okay to expect orgasm to be a normal part of our sexual experience.

The Damage of Making Orgasm the Sole Focus

The problem comes when our sole focus is around orgasm, in a way that causes our experience to be ‘make it or break it’, good or bad, based on rather or not we were able to achieve orgasm in a given experience.

When you put that kind of pressure on orgasm, it actually blocks and gets in the way of us being able to relax and soak in the pleasure of the experience in a way that builds arousal in our body to that threshold of orgasm.

Overemphasizing Orgasm Can Get in the Way of Experiencing Orgasm

And so, it’s not that we shouldn’t have as a goal or desire that we would have an orgasm. It’s an overemphasis on that piece and preoccupation with that piece can actually get in the way of us enjoying the experience in a way that enables us to experience orgasm.

That being said, if we’re not regularly experiencing orgasm, meaning not necessarily every experience that we have, but on a regular basis, more times than not, when we connect sexually we’re experiencing orgasm, then there may be something that’s getting in the way for us from that.

That would be something that you might want to look into troubleshooting and figuring out, why am I having difficulty, or why are we having difficulty experiencing orgasm on a regular basis.

Thanks for your question, Terri.


Thank you so much for submitting that question!  We certainly love to answer your questions. If you have a question for yourself or a friend, you can submit it using our web page and then look for the answer in an upcoming edition of our weekly e-newsletter.

Join our weekly newsletter to have a better life

Take the first step towards a better tomorrow, today.

Start Your Journey

Learn about how our counseling services work and how to get started.

Start typing and press Enter to search

orgasm with spouseenjoying attention from the opposite sex