Should Orgasm be the Main Goal when Connecting Sexually?

This article is based on scientific evidence and clinical experience, written by a licensed professional and fact-checked by experts.

Posted: March 21, 2020

Estimated reading time: 3 minutes

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Should orgasm be the main goal when connecting sexually? by Josh Spurlock

Terri says, “How can you engage in physical intimacy and not have an orgasm as a goal?”

Read more to find out what Josh Spurlock, Christian Counselor and Sex Therapist, says about the goal of connecting sexually, and how an over-emphasis on orgasm can get in the way of experiencing orgasm.


Welcome to My Counselor Online. I’m Cassie and this is My Counselor Says. My Counselor Says is where you submit a question, either for yourself, or for a friend,  and one of our incredible therapists takes their time and answers your personal question. So let’s go find out what My Counselor Says.


First of all, the goal for connecting sexually is to have connection with our spouse, and to enjoy the physical expression of that, and the physical pleasure of that. Part of that is orgasm; Not that every time we connect sexually, we have to orgasm in order for it to be a positive experience or for us to enjoy that, but it’s perfectly okay to expect orgasm to be a normal part of our sexual experience.


The problem comes when our sole focus is around orgasm, in a way that causes our experience to be ‘make it or break it’, good or bad, based on rather or not we were able to achieve orgasm in a given experience.

When you put that kind of pressure on orgasm, it actually blocks and gets in the way of us being able to relax and soak in the pleasure of the experience in a way that builds arousal in our body to that threshold of orgasm.


And so, it’s not that we shouldn’t have as a goal or desire that we would have an orgasm. It’s an overemphasis on that piece and preoccupation with that piece can actually get in the way of us enjoying the experience in a way that enables us to experience orgasm.

That being said, if we’re not regularly experiencing orgasm, meaning not necessarily every experience that we have, but on a regular basis, more times than not, when we connect sexually we’re experiencing orgasm, then there may be something that’s getting in the way for us from that.

That would be something that you might want to look into troubleshooting and figuring out, why am I having difficulty, or why are we having difficulty experiencing orgasm on a regular basis.

Thanks for your question, Terri. If you have a question that you want to be answered by one of our counselors, submit it here!

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This article is based on scientific evidence and clinical experience, written by a licensed professional and fact-checked by experts.

About the Author
Josh Spurlock
Josh Spurlock

Josh Spurlock MA, LPC, CST, has a BA in Biblical Languages and a Masters in Counseling. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), holding licenses in MissouriColorado, and Florida. He is also a Certified Sex Therapist (CST), Level 2 AEDP Therapist, and an Ordained Minister. He is an Advanced Practice Clinician, with over 10,000 hours of clinical experience. He specializes in Marriage Counseling, Sex Therapy, Family Counseling, and works with Executives, Pastors, Business Owners, and Ministry Leaders. Learn more about Josh Spurlock at

Josh is currently unable to take on any new clients.

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