It’s not enough just to HAVE sex….
it’s REALLY IMPORTANT that you ENJOY connecting sexually!
The importance of the physical relationship in marriage is pretty well established. But, DUTY SEX is no good.
You’ll learn why in this article, along with tips on how to strengthen the sexual intimacy in your relationship.
In This Article
About the Author
Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Certified Sex Therapists with over 10,000 hours of clinical experience. Josh specializes in Marriage Counseling and Sex Therapy. You can schedule an appointment with Josh for online counseling.
Why does enjoying sex matter?
If you’re a high desire woman, the answer to the question “Why should enjoying sex matter for married women?” is simple – “Because I want to enjoy lots of mind blowing sex!” If you’re on the lower end of the libido spectrum, however, that answer doesn’t resonate with you.
So why should a low libido married woman care about ENJOYING sex?
3 thoughts for you to consider on the subject:
1st God Designed You to Enjoy Sex
First of all, it’s an undeniable medical fact that God designed your body to enjoy sex, even more than your husband. Your clitoris has more nerve endings than any other part of human anatomy, male or female, and it only serves 1 purpose – Your sexual enjoyment. You can have a variety of orgasmic experiences, you can have multiple consecutive orgasms, you have multiple neuron-pathways for sexual pleasure – none of these are true for husband.
The take away is: God wants you to really enjoy sex. If you’re not, you’re missing out on something that God has for you.
2nd God Designed Your Husband to Want You To Want Sex with Him
Believe it or not, your husband isn’t just interested in having sex with your body. He actually wants to have sex with you as a person, his bride. While sexual arousal for men is largely physical, sexual fulfillment is more about feeling accepted, wanted, and affirmed in our masculinity. [Read more here: Why Sex Is So Important To Men]
All illicit sex appeals to this need in men. The women of pornography, prostitution, strip clubs, are communicating “I want you”, “Your masculinity turns me on”, “I accept you and think you’re great”. Every man’s heart longs to feel these things – from his wife.
“Duty sex” doesn’t communicate these things. Just being willing to let your husband use your passive body to “get off” because “it’s been a while” is not even close to fulfilling to a man.
He wants to share something with you that is mutually enjoyable and that you both look forward to. Look at it this way, have you ever been trying to have a conversation with your husband and you can clearly tell from his body language and lack of engagement he’d rather be having a root canal than talking to you right now? Or at least he’s thinking, “There’s got to be something on TV more interesting than listening to you.” How does that make you feel?
3rd If You Don’t Enjoy Sex, Desire Will Die Altogether
Duty sex is a desire killer. If you engage sex but don’t enjoy it, eventually, your sex drive will all together disappear. Frustration and resentment with your husband’s sex drive will grow, and the conflict will drive a wedge between the two of you in your marriage.
I see this often as one factor in empty-nest divorces and in affair situations.
Learn How to Enjoy Sex
The only solution I know of is to learn how to enjoy the wonderful gift of sexual pleasure God has wired into your body. There are lots of reasons you might not be now. I’ve written here about the top 10 reasons I see in my practice, Why Married Women Don’t Want Sex. Fortunately there’s an incredibly high success rate for those who want to learn how to enjoy sex (9 out to 10). God wants you to enjoy sex, your husband wants you to enjoy sex, and you’ll be happy about it once you do as well.
Joyce Penner, one of my mentors in sex therapy, has written a great book for you: Enjoy! If you need more help, give us a call, 85-55-WE-HELP – One of the sex therapists on our team will be happy to help you figure out what’s getting in the way and design a treatment plan that will help you get there. We see clients nationwide Online and In-Person at our offices.
Have A Question?
Do you…..or a friend of yours….have a question from this article you would like to hear from a professional counselor on?
Use the form below to Ask A Counselor then watch your e-mail to see what #MyCounselorSays
You can see previous questions/answers at MyCounselor.Online/ask
Ask A Counselor
- Gott, M., & Hinchliff, S. (2003). How important is sex in later life? The views of older people. Social science & medicine, 56(8), 1617-1628. 
- Davidson, J. K., Darling, C. A., & Norton, L. (1995). Religiosity and the sexuality of women: Sexual behavior and sexual satisfaction revisited. Journal of Sex Research, 32(3), 235-243.
- Reissing, E. D., Laliberté, G. M., & Davis, H. J. (2005). Young women’s sexual adjustment: The role of sexual self-schema, sexual self-efficacy, sexual aversion and body attitudes. The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 14(3/4), 77.
- Why Maintenance Sex Is So Important in Happy Marriages 
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