About the Author
Melissa Abello, MA, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in Marriage Counseling, Sex Therapy, Anxiety and Depression in Women. You can schedule an appointment with Melissa for online counseling or in-person at our Columbia, Missouri counseling center.
When the Wife Wants More Sex
You will never guess how many women I have come into my office that struggle that they want to have sex more than their husband does. Actually statically speaking about 10% of women want to have more sex than their husbands. Now in some marriages this is a plus for the husband. They feel loved, wanted, and desired by their wife. Generally speaking if their desire to have sex is just a little lower than their spouses’ desire it is a win/win. Sometimes though, this can be very hard for women whose husband’s drive is a lot lower than theirs. I have heard them share that they feel insecure that they are not desirable enough. I have heard a lot of shame that they are more sexual because women should not be more sexual. Also, have seen so many women feel rejected by their spouse.
What Women Need to Know:
- Your desire does not make you dirty
- It does not mean you are not enough for your spouse to want you the way you want them
- It does not make you abnormal
You were designed by God as a sexual being. He built in your clitoris for one function alone, which is pleasure. He also gave you multiple brain pathways for pleasure where he only gave men one. What this means is God wanted you to want sex and also wanted you to really enjoy it! Therefore, your desire no matter how high it is was built into your body to be enjoyed.
It is hard as a female who is being bombarded by images of half naked, air brushed women not to feel insecure about our bodies in general. Then add in any potential baggage about body image from childhood. Then mix in feeling rejected by your husband during sex and it all seems to point to you not being enough for him. I think all of these messages and experiences we have growing up and from the media play a large role in women not feeling enough in general. This makes it really hard for women to separate being wanted by their husband and their self image. With this in mind if you are struggling to believe your husband finds you attractive it may be something you need to work through with him, but it may be something you just need to work on from within.
There is no normal libido for women. Often times we try to quantify sexual desire by saying it is high or low, but essentially it often is relative based on the nature of your partner’s sexual drive. Therefore, if you desire to have sex more frequently than your spouse you might say you have a high sex drive, but in comparison to someone else it may seem low. What really matters about all of this is the difference in desire between you and your spouse and how that makes you feel about yourself and your spouse. Furthermore, what matters is how you navigate the desire difference together.
What To Do:
Understand the Challenge:
It is important to understand what is causing the desire difference between you and your husband. Consider the following:
- Relationship distress: Is there potential unresolved marital pain in other areas of your relationship. It is not uncommon for men and women to avoid engaging in the bedroom when they do not feel loved or connected to the other person. Consider if this could be the case and process through these things together. You may even seek assistance from a counselor resolving some of the areas that feel too difficult to discuss on your own.
- Lack of understanding around what the other desires sexually or wants. There may not be an understanding of what gets one person excited sexually and what slows them down
- Is your husband an overly goal oriented man who does not have a lot of energy or time. I find that often times there is a large desire difference not because the husband does not want to enjoy their wife, but because his energy is sapped from him, which lowers his sexual drive. I often times have had to process this with entrepreneur husbands and their wives because it is so common.
Address the Challenge:
- Consider getting some help to work through relational tension between you both, so that you guys can navigate the difference in desire in a safe and secure way with one another
- Take some time to write down what gets each of you excited to have sex and what makes you want to run from sex. Dr. Doug Roseanu would call this considering what your breaks and accelerators are. What makes you pump the breaks for sex and what accelerates it. Knowing this about your spouse may help provide insight into how to set the tone for sexual excitement for your spouse
- If your husband does not have a lot of time consider having a conversation around making your sexual relationship a priority and discussing how you could make it that.
- Take some time to process your own shame and insecurity that comes from being the higher desire spouse in your relationship
My heart goes out to all the women who are feeling less than, rejected, alone, and ashamed because of their desire. God designed you as a beautiful being with sexual desire for good reasons and I hope this could help affirm that in you. If you need help processing how to navigate the complex challenges that come with having different desire from your spouse. Please reach out for help. You do not have to go about this alone!
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