*Check out Part I here: How to Talk to Your Son About Pornography: Part I
The initial conversation is over.
We started STRONG, sending a clear message: we know about the problem (breaking the silence), we care (empathizing with our son), and we can help (our action plan).
Now it’s time to take the next step, active disciplining of our sons, guiding them into MANHOOD.
In This Article
About the Author
This article is based on scientific evidence and clinical experience, written by a licensed professional and fact-checked by experts.
Shaun Lotter, MA, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor with over 10,000 hours of clinical experience. Shaun specializes in marriage counseling, affair recovery, sex and porn addiction treatment. You can schedule an appointment with Shaun for online counseling or in-person at our Springfield, Missouri counseling center.The initial conversation is over.
We started STRONG, sending a clear message: we know about the problem (breaking the silence), we care (empathizing with our son), and we can help (our action plan).
Now it’s time to take the next step, active disciplining of our sons, guiding them into MANHOOD.
EXAMPLE TALK:
Who is Present: Dad and Son
Who is NOT There: Other family members or friends. In fact, Dad has taken steps to ensure there will not be interruptions by others, which would only serve to destroy your son’s confidence in opening up.
Setting: The fire pit in the Yard. Your son has built the fire (as was agreed upon) and he is excited to show you his handy-work.
Son: Dad, what do you think? Pretty good fire, huh.
Dad: Yeah, you did a great job and didn’t even burn the house down!
Son: Well, if I did you are the one who taught me to build fires.
Dad: That’s true. Well, let’s get to what we are here to talk about. I told you I would follow-up with you on the issue of sex and sexual temptation. It can be a tough and uncomfortable topic for guys to open up about, so the squirming I see you doing is pretty normal.
Son: Yeah, it’s pretty awkward. . . (trailing off).
Dad: It definitely can be and that’s why I am going to take the lead in this as your dad and carry more of the weight. I am just going to ask you trust me enough to follow. Part of my job is to show you how to be a man who serves his heavenly King. You see, we will all bow our knee in submission to something. Our choice is whether we will bow to God or to sin. As you get older, you are going to see a lot of boys and men proudly bowing their knees to sin, thinking it makes them more of a man.
Son: Yeah, I definitely see that at school. Guys think it’s cool to talk dirty and try to get girls to have sex with them. It’s really not.
Dad: I agree. The truth is those things haven’t changed. Guys were doing it when I was in school too, we just didn’t have all the technology you have today. I want to talk with you about how what we see and think about can impact us physically.
Son: But I already had the puberty talk with you, dad. I know my body is changing.
Dad: Yes, we did have that talk, and I know you are aware of some of the facts about how your body is transitioning from being a boy to a man, but knowing some facts and really understanding what is happening are not the same. I believe you when you tell me you want to have sexual integrity, to really tackle this issue. If I told you gaining understanding would really help get you to your goal, would you be willing to take on the challenge, even if it may be a bit uncomfortable?
You are calling your son up, seeing his desire to live a life of integrity and inviting him to accept the difficulty as part of the challenge. Guys thrive on being called up.
Son: Yes, but it does make me feel weird talking about it.
Dad: The enemy wants us to stay silent and alone, to be scared into trying to do it all on our own. Why do you think he would want that?
Son: I guess it makes us weaker.
Dad: Absolutely! Our enemy prowls around like a roaring lion, but the truth is he is a coward, and wants to get us alone and discouraged, too fearful to reach out for help. When we are alone we are right where he wants us, ready to be picked off. You and I talking, in spite of our fears, is an act of FIGHTING BACK!
Son: That’s a cool way of looking at it. I hadn’t realized that before.
Dad: Well, let’s talk about the physical part of sexual temptation. I know you and I have talked about becoming physically aroused, getting erections, masturbation, and orgasming, but there is more to arousal than those things. There is a lot going on in your brain. In fact, you can be aroused without any of those things I just mentioned happening. Have you ever found yourself noticing or enjoying looking at a girl?
Son: Yes . . . (a little bit timid).
Dad: Sure, and that’s a form of being aroused. What’s it like when you notice a girl you think is attractive?
Son: Well, I just think she is pretty, and kind of look at her. Don’t guys just do that?
Dad: Guys do notice girls, but there are things going on which they often don’t take time to notice. For example, have you ever noticed having some enjoyment or excitement when you are checking a girl out?
Son: Yes, I guess I have. It kind of just feels good. I don’t know why I like looking, but I just do.
Dad: I really respect your courage in being willing to talk about this. Let’s keep that going. When you are looking at a girl you think is beautiful, what do you notice about her? What are your eyes drawn to?
We are giving our son a chance to talk about his natural attraction to girls without having to resort to locker room humor. He has the chance to talk candidly with dad about what it’s like to notice and take pleasure in looking at girls.
This ability to have an actual discussion which is not crass is especially important for Christian young men who are trying to live in INTEGRITY.
Often times, we talk about the fundamentals of our sexual attraction and experience, but do not talk about the pleasure involved. Unintentionally our boys begin to believe the only guys getting to enjoy having sexual attraction are those boys who are giving free reign to their desires.
The message turns into sex being burdensome to Christians while being fun for other guys. Let’s pick this back up after dad and son have had a chance to talk a bit more.
Dad: We’ve talked a bit about the physical arousal and pleasure in noticing girls. Now I want to examine what we allow ourselves to think about, what goes on in our minds that no one can see but God.
Son: I know I have thoughts I wish I didn’t have sometimes. I know they aren’t right, but sometimes it’s so hard. . .
Dad: It really can be. What’s it like for you when you give in, when you have those thoughts you regret?
Dad opens the door for his son to talk about the challenge of guarding his thoughts in a hyper-sexual world which mislabels impulsivity as being authentic to yourself. We rejoin the conversation a bit later.
Sample Questions
Here are some follow-up questions to use with your son to help the two of you talk about when he struggles in his thought life:
- What do you do after you have struggled in your thought life?
- What are you thinking about yourself when you mess up?
- How long do you feel down/think these thoughts?
- Do you ever get discouraged?
- How often do you think other guys struggle in this area?
- What does God think about your struggle?
- Does struggling sometimes mean you are not serious about your walk with the Lord?
- Do you ever just want to give up? (if yes, when does that happen?)
Have A Question?
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References
- Zillmann, D. (2012). Effects of prolonged consumption of pornography. In Pornography (pp. 145-176). Routledge.
- Zillmann, D., & Bryant, J. (1982). Pornography and sexual callousness, and the trivialization of rape. Journal of Communication, 32(4), 10-21.
- Carroll, J. S., Padilla-Walker, L. M., Nelson, L. J., Olson, C. D., McNamara Barry, C., & Madsen, S. D. (2008). Generation XXX: Pornography acceptance and use among emerging adults. Journal of adolescent research, 23(1), 6-30.
- Wolak, J., Mitchell, K., & Finkelhor, D. (2007). Unwanted and wanted exposure to online pornography in a national sample of youth Internet users. Pediatrics, 119(2), 247-257.
- Zillmann, D., & Bryant, J. (1982). Pornography and sexual callousness, and the trivialization of rape. Journal of Communication, 32(4), 10-21.
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