The High Performer with a Secret Life: Portraits of Porn & Sex Addiction

Shaun Lotter

Are you among the strong, proud men who struggle with sexual addiction?   In contrast to the typical picture of addiction, the “high-functioning” sex addict is a man of significant accomplishment, often holding a position of prominence in his community.  He has very powerful motives for keeping his secret hidden.

 

John: “The High Performer with a Secret Life”

John is a hard-working, hard driving man who has always known the value of being diligent in his career.  Growing-up, John did while others talked.  Nothing comes easy in life, and John is fine with that, he likes a challenge.  Friends, teachers, and John’s parents always said he was going to do great things, they could just tell.  He worked hard in school and started his career from the bottom.  Along the way, he met and married his beautiful wife, and the two had children.  Now, he is well established in his career and financially successful.

From the outside, people admire and respect John, but they don’t know. John started looking at porn to make it through the long work days and get some relief from the constant pressure.  It gave him something to look forward to and let him relax.  After all, John reminded himself, he deserved a reward now and then.

On business trips and when entertaining clients, John began frequenting strip clubs.  The rush from the girl’s attention was great, leaving him feeling powerful and in control.  Meanwhile, his family doesn’t see him much, but he provides a comfortable life for them so they shouldn’t complain.

John and his wife have an almost business like marriage arrangement.  He earns the money, she manages the home and children.  Conflicts between the two are not resolved. As an excellent businessman, John has learned to pacify his wife, without addressing real issues or making changes. John’s behavior escalates. He begins having sexual relationships with exotic dancers who perform at the clubs he frequents. Sometimes money changes hands, other times, he can get sex for free. Moving further along this path, John convinces himself he is living the life most men only dream of.  It’s yet another, in a long line of life successes. John accomplishes what others can only wish for.

He feels powerful and in control. Its as seductive as the sex.  The fantasy begins to change, though, as some of the girls John has been with are asking for money with greater regularity. At first he is happy to oblige, it’s a small price to pay to keep things quiet. However, the demands escalate and the girls become more belligerent. The control John reveled in is now slipping out of his hands. Ultimatums are given on a regular basis, provide this much money or his wife or work will find out. Either of these could destroy the world John has worked so hard to create.  John is no longer the strong man, in control of his own destiny, as he once was. John is trapped, an inmate of the prison his built, kept isolated by the guards he hired to satiate his sexual appetite.

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