We Having Nothing in Common Anymore #MyCounselorSays

Leslie Bashioum, MA, LPC

Question:

“I don’t always get along with my husband when we’re having a talk. We have few or less of anything in common.”

Read more to find out what counselor Leslie Bashioum has to say!

About the Author

This article is based on scientific evidence and clinical experience, written by a licensed professional and fact-checked by experts.

Leslie Bashioum, MA, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in marriage counseling, family therapy, and anxiety & depression in women. She sees clients online and in-person at our Springfield, Missouri counseling center.

Video Transcript

(Transcript is generated by a software and may have discrepancies from the video.)

Cassie

Welcome to My Counselor Online. I’m Cassie and this is My Counselor Says. My Counselor Says is where you submit a question, either for yourself, or for a friend, and one of our incredible therapists takes their time and answers your personal question. So let’s go find out what My Counselor Says.

Leslie Bashioum on Keeping Love Alive in Marriage

Welcome to MyCounselor Online. I’m Leslie Bashioum and this is Asking For a Friend. Today we’re going to be answering Amaka’s question.

Amaka says, “I don’t always get along with my husband when we’re having a talk. We have few or less of anything in common.”

Well Amaka, I think a lot of us can probably relate to this.

It seems like everywhere we turn, Hollywood is glamorizing this fairy tale type love that consists of romance, prince charming, and a happily ever after sure to follow.

And I think oftentimes, what we discover is that, after the honeymoon is over, marriage is really hard. And the truth is, it’s supposed to be hard. And really, anything in life worthwhile is hard work.

So it’s really when the newness wears off that we really have to work at keeping the love alive in our marriage.

So really, that begs the question, what do we do when it seems like we have nothing in common with our spouse anymore? Or what do we do when it seems like all we do is fight and argue?

Is there safety in the relationship?

So I think the first thing I would suggest taking a look at is, is their safety in our relationship?

And no, I’m not referring to physical safety. Well, obviously, this is really important, but what I’m referring to here is emotional safety.

Safety is really the foundation of any healthy relationship. And I think oftentimes what we may find ourselves doing is whenever we’re at odds with one another, or whenever there’s a conflict, we may find ourselves pointing out the differences in our spouse as the thing that is the problem. And so we may find ourselves saying things or maybe thinking things like, if they would just be less blank or if they would just think the way I do about this thing.

And so, really, God created us all to be unique and He designed for us all to be different and so really our differences can be a blessing in our marriage if we allow them to be because our spouse can really help grow and help us to see things in a way that we would never be able to do on our own.

So we must create space for our spouse, differences and all, because this really is the way that we can create safety in our relationship and without safety intimacy is really nearly impossible to achieve in our relationship with our spouse.

Prioritizing Your Spouse

So secondly I would suggest taking a look at are we really prioritizing our marriage as the number one priority.

Are we spending time with one another? Quality time with each other. Just like anything else, our relationship with our spouse is not going to grow if we’re not investing time into it.

So one of the ways that we can do this is by taking an interest in the things that our spouse is interested in. And really, the cool thing about that is we don’t have to have the same interest as our spouse. We really just have to be interested in them.

And another cool thing that we can do is we can look for new and exciting things to do as a couple.

We can try new activities. Try going on a date night together, try a new fun thing that we’ve never done before and try to find those new creative ways to have unique experiences together.

So these are the types of things that are going to help grow and create intimacy in our relationship.

Cassie

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