James says, “I am embarrassed about my height and I feel like everyone is making fun of me. How can I get past those feelings?”
Read more to find out what Kashina Harris, MA, CIT, says about how to get past insecurity and accept the things we can’t change about ourselves.
About the Author
(Transcript is generated by a software and may have discrepancies from the video.)
Welcome to My Counselor Online. I’m Cassie and this is My Counselor Says. My Counselor Says is where you submit a question, either for yourself, or for a friend, and one of our incredible therapists takes their time and answers your personal question. So let’s go find out what My Counselor Says.
Kashina Harris on Dealing with Insecurities
Well James, I’m so glad you asked this question because it is one that so many of us can really relate to. All of us have these insecurities that, as we go through life we pick up. And we can have these insecurities from times in our life where we felt like we’ve failed. Other times, we feel these because of rejection that we’ve experienced, and then just simply because we don’t feel like we measure up. And so these insecurities really begin to act as a barrier.
That barrier denies us of a human desire that we all share, and that is to be accepted by others, because when we are accepted by them, then we can connect with them. And that means we can start to develop relationships.
Learning from Our Insecurities
And so I want to go back for a minute and just look at your question at the end, you said, “How do I move past these feelings?” I think that, instead of moving past them, it really is helpful to gain knowledge there.
What Other People Think versus How We View Ourselves
The first place that people typically gain that knowledge is just recognizing that it’s not so much about what other people think about us, but really, how we think of ourselves, how we view ourselves and accepting who we are.
And so that’s hard to do because we have this internal voice that kind of sits back here and acts as a critic and it reminds us of all the times in life when words have been spoken to us or about us, or just in situations where other people’s actions really didn’t help us to feel like we were accepted. And so I just want to give you three ways that can help you start to move into accepting yourself.
Change the Way You Think About Yourself
The first one is, recognizing your thoughts. By recognizing your thoughts, you can start to see patterns, and if they’re negative patterns, then we can change those negative patterns into a more constructive way of thinking. And that looks like, really focusing on your strengths; if you don’t know your strengths, ask a close friend or family member to help you come up with some strengths. Write them down on post-it notes, placing in places where you feel the most triggered. Our brain believes our thoughts, so let it begin to believe the good in yourself.
Check Your Worry
The next one is to check your worry. And I say check your worry because worry is something we all experience at lots of different times in our day. But check worry here because we need to start to pull back some of those layers, to identify where the worry ignites. Where does the worry ignite, when thinking about what other people might be thinking about you, or how they perceive you? Where does that ignite from?
Accept the Things You Can’t Change
The last one I want to talk about is called radical acceptance. Radical acceptance is a term coined by Dr. Marshall McLuhan and it’s just accepting our reality. And the reality is that nobody is perfect. Nobody is without flaws. And so, when we begin to look at radical acceptance, we start to accept our own reality. And the reality is, we all have things that we absolutely can’t change. And when we can accept those, then we can start to live in the right direction.
I hope that this has been helpful and that this is an encouragement to you. If you have any other questions, feel free to call any of the counselors at MyCounselor. We would love to talk to you. Have a great day.
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