Common Marriage Counseling Questions

Josh Spurlock

What if I’m not sure if I want to save my marriage?

Well, if you’re not sure if you want to save your marriage, that also means you’re not sure you don’t want to save it. Many couples find that the interaction that happens in marriage counseling can help them solidify what they would like to do. So, you can use it as a means of determining what you want to do. Considering the emotional, financial, and relational cost of divorce, don’t you think it might be worth exploring, for 90 days, whether or not your marriage could become what you’ve always wanted?

What if my spouse isn’t interested in getting help?

We often get the question “What if my spouse isn’t interested in saving our marriage, or getting help? Is there any hope?” The answer is a definite YES. While you can’t make your spouse want to save or work on a marriage you do have 100% control over 50% of the relationship. Many times we start work with one spouse only to find the reluctant spouse later willing to engage the process after they start seeing a difference in their partner. It doesn’t always happen, but it certainly does happen often. Part of the mechanism at work here is that God is interested in repairing and reconciling relationships. When we get on board with what God wants to do, we find that He is able to accomplish things we never could.

Another component at work is that families and relationships are what we call “systems.” That is, like a mechanical watch, with all it gears and springs, the pieces of a relationship react with each other. Just like turning a gear in a watch a different direction is necessarily going to change the way the watch works, so changing one part of a relationship will necessarily change the way the relationship functions. It’s unavoidable. Now, that doesn’t mean that it will be easy or that your spouse will come around to your way of seeing things. It just means that things will be different and can be better. The more you grow personally and spiritually the more likely it is that you will act more lovingly in all your relationships. This will ensure that the 50% of the relationship under your control is the best it can be. In response, often times we see reluctant spouses become more interested in pursuing some changes of their own.

But I don’t have any feelings for my mate, why should I think my feelings would change?

Not having feelings at this point is normal. It’s common for either spouse to have lost all desire for their mate when a marriage is struggling. In fact, it may be even worse than that, often it feels as if it’s less than zero and the thought of your mate touching you or you having to touch your mate is repulsive. Even so, there is a strong probability those feelings will come back, but not without some changes on both parties parts. Now look, let’s get real. People can and do change. The very fact you have different feelings today than you did on the day you got married is proof that you can change. In fact, if on that day someone had told you that you would change and come to the point that you couldn’t stand to be near your mate, you would have laughed and said it would never happen. So when I tell you that you can change and find a strong desire for your mate again, then you’ll laugh and say it couldn’t happen, but your wrong, it can happen. The challenge, however, is that negative change can happen with little or no effort, but positive change takes effort on our part. If you’re not willing to do the work, then you’re right, change won’t happen. But if you’ll get the necessary help then it can.

Why does counseling cost so much?

Well, I guess that’s a matter of opinion. When considering the emotional, financial, and relational cost of divorce, or worse yet a legal marriage with a miserable, dead relationship, many find the cost of marriage counseling incomparably cheaper. You also have to understand that 100% of the counseling fee does not go directly to your counselor. There are overhead expenses like building rent, utilities, insurance and licensure, advertising expenses, and taxes to name a few. Since counseling is unlike manufacturing we cannot make up the difference from reduced fees with “higher volume” because there are a fixed number of hours in a day. If finances are getting in the way of you getting help, check out FreeChristianCounseling.Online

Why bother, it sounds like too much work?

  • Imagine being able to have a marriage where there is mutual respect, mutual caring, mutual honesty, love, and passion. If you could have that type of marriage, why would you settle for an empty, lonely room?
  • Divorce is a nightmare, and while that may seem like the only path out of your dilemma, it’s not true. Research shows that it takes about five years to recover from divorce, but less than two years to move beyond even infidelity in marriage. And it will only take 90 days to get your marriage back on the right track. Why wouldn’t you spend 90 days to see if you could save yourself five years of your life?
  • If you have children, then for their sake at least explore whether you can work it out. The impact of divorce on children is staggering; not only does it complicate their lives, but research indicates it puts them at higher risk for all sorts of life problems, it impacts their future quality of life, and literally takes years off their life expectancy.
  • For your own sake, if you are the type of person who believes in the institution of marriage and never imagined yourself as part of the divorce statistics, then personal integrity would suggest you explore working through your marital problems, even if it’s infidelity.

Take the first step towards a better tomorrow, today.

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