Let’s Talk About Sex – Part I

Melissa Abello

Let’s Talk About Sex

And How Our Views About It Impact Our Lives

Part One

Click Here for Part Two

Let's Talk About Sex - Christian sex therapy & pornography addiction
Photo taken by Moyan Brenn

The following few blog posts I write I am going to discuss and talk about the different ways in which we view sex today. I will address where some of our misconceptions draw from and how they radically impact the way we think and act. Then in my last post we will highlight and discuss the ways that God designed for us think about sex.

Taking some time to think about, how you think about the word, S-E-X is way more important to do than you could ever imagine. It is imperative that we understand where our views of sex come from, so that we can obliterate and destroy the LIES that pervade our minds and hearts today.

Satan’s desire is for us to be held captive by his warped teachings about sex, so that we may never see or understand or be able to enjoy what God’s design was for it to begin with! In this post we are going to discuss where one of our largest misconceptions can come from:

THE CHURCH

You probably did not think this would be my first answer, but it is very true that sometimes God’s kingdom unintentionally inhibits how we view sex. This is because there is frequently not any discussion about sex outside of the  SEX IS SINFUL” concept in or at church.

This is true amongst married people, but even more, true amongst single people. There is most commonly no healthy dialogue about what sex is and what God intended it for. In hopes to prevent people from behaving in out of marriage sexual behavior the mainstream thought is that unless it is discussed in a negative light it should not be discussed at all. In the book, “Restoring the Pleasure” by Clifford & Joyce Penner state,

Regardless of religious orientation, the religiously inhibited falsely connect sexual pleasure with sin. Because of this false connection, the believer has difficulty enjoying sexual feelings, even though they occur within the sanctified married relationship,” (41-42).

The Penner’s highlight in their book how the lack of talk about sex in the church and what God intended it for has dramatically impacted the way people who are currently married who are supposed to be having sex, view it.

Some couples I have done therapy with and others I have worked with personally in my ministry experience frequently have these common complaints:

1.) That they have no sexual desire anymore.

This is common with those who prior to becoming a Christian experienced strong sexual desire and promiscuously acted out.

They complain that once they became Christians and then got married that they did not experience the same sexual desire or excitement they felt prior to becoming a Christian. They train their minds to associate sex being bad.

2.) That sex seems boring, dirty, sinful, and disgusting.

This is common amongst those who grew up going to church. When sex was talked about it was highlighted as being all of the above. There was not any discussion about what sex was and what it was for in God’s eyes. It was the taboo subject in church that no on talked about. Therefore, once these men or women got married their desire and drive was not there because of these negative thoughts about sex.

These common complaints highlight how sometimes the religious rigidity of our world inhibits us from being able to talk about and view sex in the way God designed it to be. SEX IS GOOD, in the confines of the right context. If we are going to talk about sex we should be doing it in the church. The world will teach our children and us about sex if we are not willing to talk about it.

How Can We Talk & Think About Sex in a Godly Manner?

In general: Take some time to think about how your views of sex from church impact your view of sex today?

-Keep a journal and jot down thoughts you have about sex and where they came from. Sometimes becoming aware of where our thoughts originate from is the first step in preventing those thoughts from ruling our minds.

If you are single: Separate temptation from sin.

The sexual desire or feelings you have were designed by God and are good. The Penners’ write, “Learning to accept sexual feelings while making decisions that control sexual actions is an important task…that if successfully mastered, leads to the adult guilt free unrepressed sexual expression in marriage” (p. 71).

The desire and the temptation is not sin. Jesus was tempted and he was not considered dirty, nasty, or sinful for being tempted and neither are you. Learning how to reframe your thinking is important.

Also, talking to people about how you are feeling and thinking, who are mature and can lead you back to Christ and his thoughts about this topic, can help.

If you are married: take some time to read through Song of Solomon.

We can learn about sex from so many things, but God specifically outlined the heart he wants us to have towards sex in his Word. When you read through the Song of Solomon take some time to focus specifically on how the Beloved viewed her husband and how her husband viewed her. Focus on the heart they had towards each other and about sex.

The best tool we have to fight against Satan is God’s Word. It is our offensive tool in battle and can crush and demolish the ways we once thought about sex.

If You Are a Parent: talk about it with your kids.

If you do not talk about it they will learn it from the kids at school or on the school bus. You can start talking about sex before even using the word sex! There are some age appropriate talks to begin having with your children at the age of three about sexuality, body parts, etc. that can help them to have a healthy frame of mind about sex and about their body parts.

There are many books out there on these topics as well to help you to know when and how to discuss these things with your kids.

These are only a FEW of the many ways in which we can truly understand how God desires for us to think about sex. If you are feeling conflicted about this topic and feel trapped or do not know who to talk to about this, always know that there is help available.

This topic in general can be shameful and embarrassing to discuss, but is not something you should feel like you have to keep to yourself. Follow this link to schedule an appointment to talk to someone here at The Relationship Center.

Reference: Penner, C.L. & Penner J.J.  (1993) .  Restoring the Pleasure.  USA: W Publishing Group 

 

Ready to Learn More? Click Here for Part Two

 

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