Feel Sexy | Better Sex for Women

Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST

Feeling Sexy | Sexual Confidence

Feeling attractive/sexy is an important driver for a women’s sexual desire. If you don’t feel sexy, you’re probably going to have difficulty desiring to engage sexually. This is different than men, who are more driven by how attractive they find their spouse then how attractive they think they themselves are.

If you feel uncomfortable with your body or believe it is unattractive this is going to get in the way of you wanting to be naked with your husband. This can also take the form of you lacking confidence in engaging sexually. If you are afraid your attempts at being sexy will come off as awkward and embarrassing, you are more likely to avoid sexual encounters.

Sexual Confidence

You’re going to have to work at it. Almost no one is born with an innate sense of confidence, we all have to work hard to earn it. It’s worth it though, the more confident you are the more you will enjoy sex.

True sexual confidence is about being relaxed, knowledgeable about yourself, willing to learn about your spouse, ready to ask for what you need, happy to take charge, and undeterred by failure or rejection. Being sexually confident makes you a great lover, able to both give and receive with an equal abundance of pleasure.

This has nothing to do with looks. Don’t be manipulated by the media. If you don’t love your body, change your mind. Men are almost always more focused on sensation and the feelings of acceptance that sex gives than on your size, shape, or degree of firmness. If when you are unclothed he has an erection, then he not only accepts your shape but craves your body. You’re not doing him or yourself any favors by obsessing over insecurities.

Don’t assume that just because you’re uncomfortable with yourself that your husband is as well. You can go back to obsessing over all your imperfections after you’re done having amazing rowdy sex with the man you married, who either doesn’t notice your imperfections or doesn’t care.

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

You have to see yourself as sexy before you can expect that to translate to your husband. You need to feel good about your body. This begins with your internal dialogue. If every time you pass a mirror you have something derogatory to say about your looks, how are you ever going to feel good about yourself? Knowing your desirable sends a vibe that is incredibly enticing regardless of how closely your body fits a media standard.

Feel Good Naked

  • Smile in the mirror, and say something kind to yourself. Especially when getting out of the shower naked.
  • Exercise. It’s not so much about reaching a goal as it is feeling better about yourself. Regular exercise is proven to help you feel better about your body. It increases flexibility, athletic bedroom performance, feel good endorphins, and yes body shape.
  • Sing LOUD in the shower, get over yourself and have fun naked, soapy, and steamy.
  • Compliment EVERYONE you see or interact with, either in your head or out loud. Noticing the praise worthy in other helps you notice it in yourself.
  • Give yourself the same pep-talk you would a girlfriend or daughter struggling with body image woes.
  • Turn up the music and dance like nobodies watching – nothings better for working through self-consciousness. Try dancing around on the bed in your underwear to take it to the next level.
  • Try a naked day, or hour. Close the curtains, lock the door, turn up the heat, and while the kids are at school or down for a nap, wander about the house naked. The point is to work through the inhibitions you have around your body so you can feel more comfortable naked.

Buy Some Sexy Clothes

You know your clothes affect the way you feel. When you look cute, you feel cute. When you look sexy, you’ll feel sexy. I’m not talking about being immodest, no one has to know you have on a new sexy underwear set – but you will. Combine that with an outfit that you feel complements your figure and you are well on your way.

Take a Mirror and Look at Your Vagina

Ok, actually it’s your vulva, your vagina is inside your body. You can’t confidently share your body with your husband if you aren’t first comfortable with it yourself. A hand mirror works best.

Learn What Feels Good to You

Many women, especially if you grew up in church as a young girl, were raised to believe sex is dirty and you shouldn’t touch yourself. This is nowhere in the Bible. In Bible college I studied Biblical languages, 3 years of Greek and 2 years of Hebrew. I’ve read the Bible cover to cover many times – You will not find “Thou shall not touch yourself, or I will be very upset” anywhere in the Bible. God made your body pleasurable to touch and nowhere says not to, you do the math.

Being familiar with your body, what feels good and acts as an accelerator for desire, is key to enjoying yourself sexually with your husband. Consider giving yourself permission to discover how God has wired your body for sexual pleasure. A good place to start is with a vibrator. You can order one from Amazon, like this NU Sensuelle Point, and have it delivered right to your door. Women who know their bodies, what turns them on, enjoy sex more.

Be Good in Bed

Learn what feels good to him. Feeling confident that you know how to bring sexual pleasure to your husband builds sexual confidence. Being good at sex is really about your ability to respond to your husband’s body language and verbal communication.

If you want to increase your confidence in your abilities, ask him what he enjoys. It’s really that easy. It’s incredibly attractive for you to pay more attention to your husband in bed than what you look like. Educating yourself sexually will help you feel more confident.

Becoming a sexual woman can be exciting and terrifying.

You have to decide you want to have better sex. No one can decide this for you and it won’t get better if you don’t. Doing it for your husband won’t work. Great sex is a kind of play, make up your mind up to be good at it.

Sources
• The Joy of Sex: The Ultimate Revised Edition

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