Types of Infidelity | The Affair Recovery Guide Part 2

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Types of Infidelity

What is an affair / infidelity? No matter what you call it, infidelity, cheating, unfaithfulness, this type of behavior manifests itself as one or more of the following categories:

What does sex mean? A sexual affair may or may not include intercourse, but does involve physical contact with another individual. For example:

  • Intercourse
  •  Oral sex
  •  Sexual touching 
    • Any touch that you would not feel comfortable with your spouse doing in the room with another person 
    • Kissing, hugging, making out, holding

Same-Sex Infidelity:

Being sexual with someone other than your spouse is infidelity regardless of the gender of the other person.

Same-sex attraction or gender confusion does not mean a person is a pedophile. For example, if you find same-sex adult pornography on a spouse’s computer it does not necessarily mean your children are at risk.

Sometimes in sexual addiction situations, a person may have a sexual encounter with a person of the same sex, but that does not necessarily mean that they have same sex attraction or that they are homosexual.

Six Types of Affairs

Not all affairs are the same in nature. Depending on the kind of affair the way you go about treating it can be different.  As a result, the dynamics of your situation may differ from others you know of and the marriage counseling needs may be different.  Below are five examples of different types of affairs:

  1. Low rent rendezvous. This is your typical one night stand and may be a one-time betrayal. These often occur in conjunction with drinking and anonymity. The core of the betrayal is based upon bad choices, poor boundaries, lack of integrity, and the opportunity to act.
  2. An affair of convenience or opportunity. It is not something sought out, but rather occurs as the result of an opportunity that is presented. The betrayer does not want to leave the marriage. There is not an ongoing relationship. This does not necessarily indicate more severe problems in the marriage.
  3. Lonely hearts club. Characterized by two individuals who believe they are “in love”. The betrayer believes he or she has “fallen in love” and feels powerless against strong emotions. The betrayer may feel guilt, but feels they are unable to be happy in their marriage and therefore tell themselves “I  deserve to be happy and my spouse deserves to be in a relationship with someone who makes them happy.” Unlike low rent rendezvous this type often does indicate a deeper problem in the marriage. Betrayer wants out of the marriage. Betrayer seems incapable of making decisions as to what they are going to do.
  4. Looking for love in all the wrong places (sexual addiction). These affairs are committed by those with an ongoing pattern of sexual betrayals such as frequenting topless bars and/or adult bookstores, viewing pornography, compulsive masturbation, prostitution, repetitive encounters with sexual partners, and other behaviors that are destructive to both the individual and to the marriage relationship. Interestingly, this category of affairs is not about the marriage, and often the betrayer will state they do not want their marriage to fail. Betrayers often feel hopelessly trapped by their behaviors. This type of betrayal is especially difficult for the spouse because their suffering is not just from the betrayal, but also from their inability to understand their mate’s behavior. What the addict has done seems so foreign the spouse cannot comprehend it. Or they are in shock when they discover the sheer magnitude of the compulsive behavior (like the husband who visited more than 300 prostitutes). It is common for the betrayer to have made past efforts to stop the behavior and to have actually been successful for a season, only to relapse after they believed things were better. Typically, the betrayer wants to save their marriage but has a compelling drive to look elsewhere to meet their needs. Often these behaviors began before marriage, stopped after marriage, and then began again after the addict realized the marriage couldn’t meet the need met by the addictive behavior.
  5. Having your cake and eating it too. This is an affair where the betrayer is involved with a single person, but at the same time, he or she does not want to leave their marriage. To them, the affair partner is a “soul mate”. These affairs frequently spring from relationships where two individuals share something in common they don’t share in common with their mate. It is as if this person develops two lives. Individuals want to stay married. However, betrayers do not want to give up the affair partner. The betrayer’s life is divided into two very distinct parts; the relationship with the affair partner and their relationship with their spouse
  6. You’re not my lover; you’re my friend. This relationship is commonly referred to as the emotional affair. Although some would not consider an emotional entanglement an affair, this type of relationship can be just as devastating and destructive as a sexual affair. If a mate is closer to a friend than to their spouse, then it’s already an affair. Boundary issues are a factor. Betrayer keeps secrets with their friend instead of their spouse. Betrayer wants to stay married but does not want to choose between the friend and their spouse.

See this article by Rick Reynolds for more on the 6 Types of Affairs.

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